Why Don't You See Asian Guys With White, Black, or Latino Girls

I can't believe I'm writing about this topic, but in some recent interactions I've had with several Asian guys, I get the sense that there seems to be a perceived inequality amongst Asian guys who seem to think that Asian women are being snatched up by white or black or latino guys, yet they can't seem to find a white or black or latino girlfriend or wife. There are tons of articles / blogs / forums which discuss why Asian-American or Asian-Canadian females (AAF or ACF) tend to be attracted to predominantly white guys, so I won't go there (although I will say some of the arguments are not as bulletproof as the writers would have their readers believe); instead, I will be dealing with the topic of why I think that you don't see as many Asian males with non-Asian females, as well as why there seems to be a perception that Asian males don't even get opportunities to date Asian females. But first...

One of the few documentaries that deal with this can easily be found online. Just do a search on "Yellow Fever" by Philip Wong. I have posted a link here:

Yellow Fever

While I think this documentary is pretty well done for a student, and there are some truths exposed in it; however, it does not deal with any of the underlying issues, probably because of the fact that the video was a light-hearted look at the area of interracial relationships from an Asian male perspective. I also take issue with the fact that it targets predominantly white girls as potential girlfriends, totally ignoring other ethnic groups like blacks and latinas (and Indians and Aboriginals).

Let me state some facts, at the outset, to provide some context and frame this discussion. 1) I am married to a non-Asian, so I have some experience I can share from a personal level, 2) Unlike the bulk of articles and blogs out there, it is not my intention nor desire to take sides here. It is certainly not my place to suggest who you should date; it is equally not my place to suggest to you who you should NOT date. Many others have taken one side (I only date whites and here's why) or the other side (I only date Asians and here's why) . In other words, I not an exclusivist in my viewpoints, and I think by arguing from a pro-ethnic dating position, you are really robbing yourself of other opportunities that may be available to you.

I will start by discussing what I perceive the mentality of the North American Asian male to be. This is hardly conclusive, but I am willing to bet that there are more than a few Asian guys who will agree with me on this. Again, I did not research any of this, so I can't quantify it for you via a study or statistics. However, what I know is by experience and this is what experience has taught me:

Throughout our lives in North America, we have been fed the media and probably societal expectation of what beauty is. While it has evolved to a more balanced perspective in the past decade or so, many North American boys (Asian or otherwise) grow up thinking that the women you see on TV in beauty pageants, in movies, in television shows, and what not are the model for women. It just so happens that most of the women that have been models, or what society considers beautiful, in the past 20+ years, have been white women. That has slowly changed to the point where more women of colour - notably, black women, are being featured as models and symbols of "sexiness", but bear in mind that men in their 20s, 30s and higher have had more exposure of the former, rather than the latter.

Add to that the vast majority of young males' (if not all young males) subjection to both softcore and hardcore pornography. Again, if you look at the vast majority of images, it is a white girl or white woman who is featured as one who is ready and willing to provide sexual services in a seductive manner to men. If you every talk with an Asian male about what qualities of white women they are attracted to, they will likely say, blonde, big breasts, probably a tad on the slutty side, etc. That is the kind of women they have been presented by their exposure to movies, TV and pornography. Case in point, and I don't know whether she is still considered this, but I suspect she is: look at Pamela Anderson. Guys go ga ga over her, but if you were really to look at her objectively, aside from the fake boobs, and the sheer volume of makeup that, to be frank, makes her look a bit like Tammy Faye Bakker, she is not all that attractive (and yes, I know attractiveness is pretty subjective).

So Asian males will tend to have that perception growing up. No question, Asian females will have the same perception from the media about what handsome men look like. A real travesty is that so many people give credence to these celebrity magazines and their yearly polls on "sexiest man alive", etc. Notice there are almost no minority men on that list, and in particular no Asian men? (to my surprise, I read last year that Daniel Dae Kim - a fantastic actor in his own right - made it to the cover as one of the top 25). I don't follow Hollywood at all, but it seems kind of dumb when you hear on the news that it's always some celebrity/actor that gets these, and it's usually the Brad Pitts/Jude Laws/George Clooneys - freaking Hollywood actors. Asian girls will inevitably look at these men as a barometer of success and masculinity.

Add to the above the fact that Asians (male and female) who have either born or raised (or both) in North America tend to work harder to assimilate / integrate with the general populace, and as a result, are likely striving to perpetuate positive images of themselves as Westernized Asian men and women, while at the same time, dispelling negative age-old stereotypes (see itemized list below). As a result, these folks tend to distance themselves from other Asians who they consider "fresh off the boat", or FOBs, whose mannerisms and cultural idiosyncrasies differ than what they have been used to in Canada/U.S./Australia/Britain, etc. As a result, Asian FOBs become the antithesis of potential dating material for both Asian males and Asian females. Stemming from this is a attitude of higher scrutiny when it comes to their fellow Asians as dating or marriage material. So with FOBby women and men out of the picture, who is left?

Many North American born or bred Asians tend to have a much more diverse friend base (this is a very good thing, in terms of rejecting simply homogenous relationships for comfort's sake, as historically has been the case), and as a result, when it comes to dating, they generally will look at their friends and acquaintances first, which are likely not very Asian-centric. Couple that with the mindset that develops from boyhood/girlhood into manhood/womanhood that I have described above, and you have all the recipes of desiring to have an extra-Asian interracial relationship. Add to that the historically prejudiced mindset of older Asian parents (born 1950s or earlier) towards black people (don't tell me this is not true - I have seen enough of it in older Asian parents to know it is), that leaves their Asian kids to consider predominantly white folks for dating and marriage.

A great example to illustrate this is simply to pay attention to any politicians/athletes/celebrities/businesspeople (I say these only because they are more visible) who are of Asian extraction, again male or female, particularly those who speak English perfectly without an accent. Nine times out of ten, they are in a relationship/marriage with someone who is likely white. Elaine Chao (U.S. Secretary of Labour) married to Mitch McConnell. Judge Lance Ito (O.J. Simpson judge) married to a white lady. Bill Lee (who married Al Gore's daughter, who is white). Jeanette Lee (amazing female pool player) - married to a white guy. Dustin Nguyen (from 21 Jump Street) - married a white girl. Andrea Jung - CEO of Avon - married a white guy. Kristi Yamaguchi (figure skater) - married a white guy (Bret Hedican, I think), Pauline Chan (local Toronto news anchor) - married white guy. Yo-Yo Ma (brilliant celloist) - married to a white woman. David Suzuki (Canadian environmentalist and scientist) - married to white woman. Tess Gerritsen (exceptional New York Times best selling author, whose books I love to read) - married white guy. Michele Malkin (conservative blogger whose blogs I read occasionally) - married white guy. Adrienne Clarkson (former Governor General of Canada) - married white dude. Inky Mark (one of very few Asian mayors of a Canadian town or city) - married to a white lady. Scott Oki - former Microsoft executive - married a white lady. Ben Chin (former Toronto TV anchor/journalist) - married a white lady. Several guys at my workplace - married to non-Asians. Lots of guys on the Asian forum that I frequent - married to non-Asians. My former pastor - married a white woman. My sister - married a white guy. Myself - married a part-French/part Native girl. My brother and my cousins - all interested in whites. The only public official that I remember being wrong on, in guessing that they were married to someone white due to the fact that he spoke perfect English without and accent and is very "North Americanized", is former Washington state Governor Gary Locke (I believe his Chinese ancestral name was Lok, but the family changed it when they moved to the U.S.). He is married to an American born Asian lady. That is rare, I think, especially in the public eye.

Here's the problem...stereotypes move both ways, both what are perceived to be positive stereotypes and also negative stereotypes. Unfortunately, Asian males (and Asian females, to a much lesser extent) are subject to some of the more negative stereotypes. I'm sure you've heard some of these before:

-Asian men are generally bookworms, nerdy types
-Asian men are shy, reserved, and quiet (in other words, not as social)
-Asian men are physically weaker
-Asian men are not aggressive or even assertive
-Asian men are not romantics, or are unemotional, or unsentimental
-Asian men do not play sports (unless it's Nintendo Wii)
-Asian men eat weird, exotic food
-Asian men practise buddhism
-Asian men poach endangered animals for herbal remedies
-Asian men do not care about their appearance or their physique
-A good time for an Asian man is to sing karaoke
-Asian men are bad drivers
-Asian men are all mama's boys
-Asian men listen to classical music

...and who can possibly forget...

Asian men have small penises

So even though many Asian guys who were born or raised in North America, and are just as Canadian or American as the next guy, racist stereotypes will set them to a disadvantage with white women (and probably black women and latinas as well).

Unfortunately, the same racial stereotypes perpetrated onto Asians in general by the North American culture (don't believe me? Look at the jokes thrown the way for William Hung - it wasn't just his singing, trust me), Asian men and women throw at each other. As a result, you really don't see all that many born-and-bred-in-Canada-and-the-USA Asian guys and girls getting together all that often because they spend too much time stereotyping and dismissing each other.

What the Canadian or American Asian male needs to do is contribute to the breaking of these stereotypes. There's a band out there that I read about, and is promoted quite a bit by Intel and online music websites is a Washington, DC band called The Speaks. I believe three of the guys are Asian, and their music is not bad. These guys definitely defy the stereotype - the lead singer is some Asian dude who is pretty tattooed, one guy has long hair and the other guy is pretty muscular. This is a much better representation of Asians, than even an established guy like James Iha (of Smashing Pumpkins) who was reclusive, quiet (though he was extremely talented). When women start seeing Asian guys as cool, then they will be more open to dating them. It's no different than Asians in sports - they are breaking the stereotype. Even look at Tiger Woods (who has a good chunk of Asian blood in him) - he defies the stereotype in probably every possible way - and he ended up marrying a white girl.

I want to address one more issue before I close up shop on this topic, and it's addressed specifically to Asian guys. This one is about keeping your mind and heart open to perhaps dating Asian girls (we're talking Canadian and American born and bred Asian girls - I can understand the no-FOB preference). A few Asian guys I have talked with have automatically dismissed the possibility or potential of dating Asian girls, even those who have the same interests, are in the same culture and are just as American or Canadian as other girls. I can appreciate that, as at one point in my life, I held that view. Over time, though, with some maturity and experience in meeting different people as friends and colleagues, my view has shifted. While I am totally, completely, unequivically dead-set against the traditional opinion of "dating within your own race only", I also completely and rabidly reject the exclusivist opinion that "I will date anyone but Asian girls" or "I will date anyone except black girls" and so forth. Some guys blame Asian girls for flocking to white guys in droves (and I mean droves), but I believe Asian men have some contribution to this, since they either refuse to, or do not want to step up to the plate to present themselves as a suitable...well, suitor, to a quality Asian girl. I'd even go so far as to say that this could constitute reverse discrimination, and while I will never use such guilt-laden terms like "race traitor" and "banana" or whatever else, I do think that the man who will date anyone else other than Asian women, or will not even consider Asian women as an option, has some serious self-esteem or identity issues. Berate me all you want - you know I speak the truth here. Anyway, I totally understand that people have preferences, but in my view, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, regardless of race or background. I guess it really comes down to how you define beauty. Some Asians have said to me that they don't like Asian women because of flat noses, stubby legs, short stature, bad haircuts, etc. - I think they've either been watching too much Western porn or hanging around the FOBby side of the tracks. No doubt, there are some pretty ugly Asian women out there, but trust me, there are an equal number of ugly white women, ugly black women, ugly latina women, ugly aboriginal women, ugly indian women. Attractiveness and non-attractiveness knows no ethnic boundaries, in my view, and consider this: if physical attraction is your number one criteria in choosing a girlfriend or a spouse, you will be SOL when she gets old, or if she gets into a car accident and her body and face are mangled or disfigured.

I know some people who are unmarried, are desperately looking to get married, meet some good quality women, but dismiss them only for absolutely trite (in my opinion) reasons. One fellow has told me he wants to get married badly and has, in the past, asked me to pray for him, that God will find the right gal for him. He met this one girl who was absolutely wonderful for him - mature, great personality, humble spirit, giving nature. He told me it would never work out since she was Hispanic, and he was looking for someone who was white, like him. Last I heard, dude is now around 37 and is still desperately seeking susan. What can I say? Another fellow I know, an Asian guy, told me that he is looking for a blonde, 5' 9" or taller, athletic and educated woman. Yet he's met other good, solid candidates, which he has told me are compatible with him, but he is not attracted to them. Even if he meets someone who meets his criteria, we'll see where he is in 30 years when she she will look like she's 80. I find it a bit funny that the people who expect the most perfection in their criteria will seldom find it - and they will be complaining the most about it; but those who have more mature and reasoned preferences will more than likely find perfection in places and people where they would not have looked at, in their younger days. Trust me on this one.