Manners and Etiquette - Gone the Way of the Do-Do?

I've been out of commission with a bad back for the past few days, due to an incredibly stupid decision I made to go golfing with my brother on Tuesday in -2 degrees (Celsius) weather (including the wind chill) coupled with a constant downpour of frozen rain. My brother was dressed for the occasion, looking like a SWAT team member in his weatherproof and waterproof jacket and pants and shoes, whereas I had on a pullover and also a plasticky garbage bag-like Ku Klux Klan style poncho that I purchased from the Marineland aquatic amusement park last year when our family went and it was raining cats and dogs the whole day. I was soaked all over and my golf glove (the one that I had) was neither cold nor water resistant, so I only managed to play 9 holes in those conditions before I decided that was enough. When you can't feel your hands anymore, it's time to go home.

As I was lying down in a pretty prone horizontal position the past couple of days, I had opportunities to think about future post topics. One that I've always wanted to write about, but have never really had the time nor the inclination to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) in order to start the conversation, was the topic of manners and etiquette in this day and age. It should not surprise you that my conclusion is that we, as a society, are completely bereft of any type of common courtesies anymore, but that should not be news to anyone, I suppose, due to the fact that we all live in such a self-centered, attention-span-deficient world.

I recently had an opportunity to visit my child's school, which is not uncommon since I drop him off and pick him up there several times a week. Generally, I don't stay once everything is settled, but that one day, I on vacation, so I was in no rush to get to the office, nor was I in any rush to get home (hyper kindergaten kids in an open space or whiny infants and toddlers in a confined space - I think I'll take the former). I joined the kids for their opening ceremonies, which (thank goodness) still involves the national anthem - the singing of Oh Canada. Now, my son, in watching some hockey games with me, knows that when Oh Canada is played, you stand at attention, shut your trap and try to sing along. Whether you choose to place your hand to your chest is up to you. But the hat goes off, there is no eating, there is no playing around with toys or yourself, etc. I was pleased to see that my son remembered these lessons as he was able to do what was expected of him. Some of the kids weren't able to focus or pay attention and while I suppose you can make numerous excuses from their "age-developmental" skills not being what they should be, the fact that other kids were able to follow instructions would indicate that these kids either did not care, did not listen very well, or more than likely were a product of less-than-satisfactory parenting. But what struck me more was watching 80% of the parents engaged in conversation, some checking their cell phones - others were playing with the pockets of their jackets...during our national anthem (hmmm, now I think I now know which kids belong to which parents). But it's not just at school that you see this. You watch things like hockey and basketball games and you'll see the announcer having to remind people to take off their hats and stand. I'm not sure why people need to be reminded of this, but anyway...

My wife and I don't go to the movie theatre that often. Not only is it because of the ridiculous prices that these establishments charge for the tickets, but also as many people have commented over the years, the price of the well-overpriced popcorn and drinks and such add up, and it is not uncommon for a family of three like ours to go to the movies and then have to drop close to sixty bucks (that's $60.00) for the evening. And for what? To sit in a theatre full of people who increasingly don't have common courtesies, incessantly chatting throughout the morally bankrupt film. Yes, there are ads on the screen during the plethora of commercials and trailers (another reason I don't like going) reminding you to turn off your cell phone, but it so happens that the last few movies I have gone to see (with the exception of Curious George, which had no one there since we went during an freezing hailstorm), there is always a person talking on their cell phone or text messaging with their blackberry with the freaking volume on. Sure, I can turn around and politely (or in some cases, not so politely ask them to turn off their electronic device, and they will usually do so once they see me foaming at the mouth and the "I will break your nose if you don't" aura that I seem to project in those situations, but why should I have to do this?

We have a house on a corner lot. It's great for the extra backyard property that I have, and our house is very visible to our neighbours, so I would imagine that statistically, it is less likely that our house will the subject of a home invasion or robbery (we have nothing that anyone would want, anyway). But being on a corner lot has its disadvantages and I'm not talking about the extra grass that I need to mow in the summertime. There is a sidewalk on the side of our house and people walking past it litter there periodically, throwing it into the grassy part, which is not technically my property, but I need to mow it nonetheless. I take some pride in home ownership and don't want to see litter making my property look like a dumpster, so I clean it up. I have not ever caught anyone littering on my property, but I'm pretty sure it's not senior citizens doing it. Based on what the litter is, I can probably project the offender demographics being 12-25 year old males. In that case, it's just bad parenting since I'm not sure who else's responsibility it is to teach their kids not to litter. Unfortunately, pop bottles and McDonald's crap is not the only thing that I find on my property that is tossed by passersby. I have occasionally (maybe five times in the seven years that I've lived here) have seen bags of dog crap on my lawn. Obviously the owner had enough sense to bag the crap, but was too lazy to discard it at home. One of the other people who have a corner lot 2-3 streets away have obviously experienced this a lot more than we have, and they eventually erected a hastily written, asthetically poor-looking sign on rotting wood, which stated very bluntly to the neighbourhood, "DOGS, DO NOT SHIT HERE!" I found it a tad amusing, despite the blunt language used, that that home owner chose to do it that way. My wife walked over there and asked them to please remove the sign, since we run a daycare at home and we don't want kids reading it. Besides, this is a family neighbourhood and that just looks like nasty inner city graffiti. There are likely more constructive ways to indicate one's disgust with people who have no etiquette (and are breaking the law by leaving their dog crap on their property). I mentioned to them that we have had people dump all sorts of crap on our property including hamster shavings (which I wrote the town about, as well as the local newspaper), a propane tank, and tree trunks. I am saddened, by moreso irritated at the fact that people do not exercise any courtesy or manners and feel they can just drop stuff off wherever they like). I'd love to catch them in the act one of these days (what I would do at that point, I won't describe here).

The Chicago BlackHawks hockey club recently (in the past month or two) had their owner, Bill Wirtz pass away. Wirtz was their owner for something like 40 years, but throughout his reign, he was very unpopular with fans. Some fans directly attribute his "financial bottom line" philosophy of running a business to the club's declining fanbase and weak performance on the ice (the BlackHawks have not been in contender mode for more than a decade, if not more). Anyhow, shortly after he died, the BlackHawks brass, during the opening ceremonies of one of the hockey games, asking the crowd to stand for a moment of silence to honour their long-time owner. I remember watching this on the sports highlight reel one evening and I was shocked by what I saw. Instead of putting away their personal feelings for all of two minutes to show the deceased some semblance of courtesy, the crowed, boisterously booed throughout the two minutes, fluttering the management obviously. Ok, so the guy was a cheapskate, but for Pete's sake, it's not as if he was Adolf Hitler or something. I think this said a lot about the lack of class of the Chicago fans, but I think it is indeed a sad reflection on people simply not being able to conduct themselves in an orderly, respectful way in public.

We've also all seen the nimcompoops (sp.) who don't pull over to let ambulances, police cars, or fire trucks pass, as well as the dummies who don't at least stop to let a funeral procession pass. Are these all antiquated notions of how to conduct oneself? I'm not so sure people can make excuses for not exhibiting these common social courtesies by saying that they were never taught it or that they didn't know, or that it's an old-world thing. I'm only 34, and I've known these things for years - probably because I had a good set of parents who taught me these things (and rebuked me and disciplined me when I didn't) and teachers who actually gave a damn to teach conduct and develop character rather than teachers nowadays who are afraid of being sued by parents and will simply teach curriculum but no life skills.

This past May I interviewed for a job opening on my team here. I had several characters show up, and many of them did not bother to dress up (suit and tie) to the interview. I am finding more of that these days, and these staffing companies seem to indicate that it's OK for people not to dress up since they wouldn't be expected to wear a suit for their job anyway, and not to mention, suits make people nervous and uncomfortable (again, catering to the endless fricking self-esteem shit that we seem to be hearing all the time). Well, since I was the one doing the hiring and the interviewing, I made my selections pretty easily based on a set criteria. You don't wear a suit and tie, you don't get the job. It may be harsh. To me, a suit and tie would indicate a seriousness about their applying for the job. Yeah, I know what you'll say - not everyone knows to wear a suit and tie. Too bad. I cry no tears. If they weren't taught that, that's not my problem. Interestingly enough, I did find a direct correlation to how people dressed, and how they viewed the position for which they were applying. Those who came in wearing a sweater and such generally had no clue what the position was. Their body language also told me that they did not care either, which was fine with me, since I didn't have to waste any time with them. I had one guy whose cell phone rang in the middle of the interview, and he put up a finger to me (index finger) and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm expecting this" - it was a text message, and he fiddled with his phone and I see he was texting back the person, which irritated the hell out of me since he was in the middle of a job interview!). Needless to say, once he flipped the phone shut, and looked at me with a puppy dog look, and said, "really sorry about that", I promptly turned to him and said, "thanks for coming - I appreciate your time" and ended the interview. Just like that. I'm sure that he left thinking I was a real prick, but that's the way it is. I'm sure he knew why I ended the interview so suddenly.

Hitting more close to home, our church(and others, based on discussions I've had with other folks) has had some discussions about people who bring coffee into the sanctuary during worship services. It seems like the prevailing opinion is that it should not be that big of a deal since at least people are coming. I can't say that I agree with that and I've always spoken my mind when asked my thoughts on this. If people can't leave their freaking coffees at home during a one-and-a-half hour service...sheesh. It's a worship service, not the Molson Ampitheatre. I have some friends who have told me that at some of their churches have funeral services, where you can see people sipping coffees. Sad, really.

Now, onto something a bit on the controversial side that relates to all this. It is the opinion of some that I have talked to that the root problem with people lacking manners/courtesies/etiquette these days is two-fold. One of which, I have already discussed and that is that the younger generation are not being taught these important aspects of social interaction and citizenry. But it's not just young people who are doing this - it's middle-aged people as well. You see this on the roads of Toronto or anywhere else. People not observing road rules, not following any order, not afforded others the courtesy in yielding to them or giving them the right-of-way. I think that this mentality of "me first" has always been a poison of Westernized society and it is the one thing that I detest more than anything else about living in a Westernized country, as much as I enjoy living here and being a citizen. I've already written about people not taking responsibility seriously, by putting their kids in daycare and their parents in seniors homes. I won't rehash that one, but I think this type of mentality seeps into everything else that a person does in their life.

The second point that has been brought up more often than not is that people believe that the increased amount of rudeness has to do with the immigrant population and the lack of cultural understanding for the customs and practices that we already have in this country - and the subsequent supplanting of their culture onto ours. I won't counter-argue too much here - I can see some valid points. Some have pointed out to me that when it comes to things like Canada Day, you don't see as many visible minority Canadians flying their flags (well, I do, but I suppose I'm an anomaly). Similarly, for Remembrance Day services, you don't see too many visible minority members paying their respects by attending the services. Asian malls are open 365 days a year, even on days where it's illegal to do so. That is generally true. I won't make excuses why more minorities do or don't do certain things, but I can content that to say it is totally a minority issue is not exactly accurate. Interestingly enough, based on my experience, children of many minority groups (certain ones excluded that just don't have a strong family-unit type of mentality) are far better behaved than their Caucasian counterparts. It's the parents of these kids who seem to have more issues with social graces, than the kids themselves (yes, this seems to counter the argument that it's all bad parenting). You may disagree, but that's been my experience. I can only speak from my own cultural experience, but I see lots of Chinese kids enrolling in high discipline type of activities like being involved with classical music (which in and of itself has a world of social graces attached to it).

I don't think that minorities or immigrants are the issue. I think that there is not strong enough social pressure to set expectations in the first place. Very few people will correct one another when it comes to conduct (whether it is parent/child, friend/friend, authority/subordinate, etc.), and that I believe is the root cause of all this. I see this all the time when I am constantly correcting my son to say "please" and "thank you" when others nudge me and say, "that's ok, he doesn't need to say it". Yes he does, if I don't want him to end up become a self-absorbed zombie. I also make it a point to address my son's teachers, principal/vice-principal by their formal names. I believe there is not only some decorum that goes with this, but it also establishes, if not re-enforces the fact that different situations call for different social etiquette. Not just in front of my son, but when I meet face to face with my son's teacher or principal, I address them as Ms. (last name of teacher) or Mr. (last name principal). I think this affords them the courtesy they deserve. I may be anal for enforcing these social graces over and over and over again, but I honestly believe it will pay dividends in the long run when he gets older and knows that there are times where you show respect. I have never understood this whole having toddlers call adults by their first name. At least, in Chinese culture, my first name is always prefaced by Uncle, for any child addressing me. When kids I don't know call me by my first name only, I correct them and add "Mr." in front of my name, sometimes to the chagrin of the parents who are trying to teach them otherwise.

Remembrance Day is this Sunday. I hope to be able to attend some services with the family. I think too many people in this country take for granted the sacrifices men and women made for us, serving in previous wars and theatres of conflict. The fact that I can sit here and write these words, spouting my opinions, is a testament to the fact that their sacrifice of their time and in many cases, their lives, helped make it possible for us to live in such a free and open society where we can exchange ideas, and even debate divergent viewpoints, without having to fear being tortured, or killed. On Sunday, I am hoping that you, whoever you are, will take a two minutes at 11AM to observe a moment of silence to honour those who served to protect our freedom. And for Pete's sake, leave your fricking Blackberry or coffee at home when you going to the memorial ceremony!