Being Alone Vs. Being Lonely

Earlier this year, on one of the online forums that I frequent, I posted the following. I received some favourable personal feedback on what I wrote. I was thinking about this topic today and so I thought I'd share with you what I posted that day, with a few minor revisions for clarity.

I will contend that being alone and being lonely are not necessarily bad things, despite what society tends to push as the worldview here.

Years ago, pretty much against my will, I was forced to take that Meirs-Brigg personality test. I didn't want to take it, but had to, due to something else that was part of my education process that required it. Anyhow, I didn't give any credence to the result, and the reason was is that I do not believe human beings, in all their complexity, can be so easily categorized in 16 different categories, or whatever the number was. Anyhow, despite the fact that the facilitator was emphasizing, to the point of nausea, that the results are not to be taken as positive/negative, what invariably happens is that some results will be generally considered as "good" while others are considered as "not so good". Case in point - those who ended up in the categories which had a higher concentration of extrovertism, tended to pat themselves or others on the back. Those who ended up having more of an introverted focus tended to get strange looks or pats of consolation. Despite what these silly tests try to produce, people will still have the perception that being with lots of people and being a social butterfly = good, whereas being alone or in solitude or a person who is more contemplative and not always schoozing with people at parties (or going to parties for that matter) = bad. I rejected those labels back then, and I certainly reject them now.

Not everyone thinks a good time is going to a wild party, getting drunk, and having sex with as many people as humanly possible, and in the process, handing out their business cards. While I ended up on that Meirs-Brigg test somewhere in the middle, with a leaning towards introvertism, I didn't need to take a test to tell me this. I have always been more of a contemplative person, an analytical person, a person who assesses people and situations with far greater scrutiny than the average person. If you have read my posts from the beginning, you'll know that some of this can be attributed to environmental factors, but as a person, I generally tend to not be the guy who crashes the door at a party and say "Don't worry, people, I'm here to inject life into this party!" That being said, I am not anti-social either, since I embrace opportunities to meet people for the sake of meeting them, not because I am looking to name drop or want anything in return, but I enjoy the comaraderie of relationships and value people's opinions (well, most people's). All that being said, I want to focus on the "lonely" and "alone" labels. The anti-social label is pretty self-explanatory and I think that most people here see that as the opposite extreme and can conclude that it is more or less not a healthy outlook on life and relationships. There is a huge difference between anti-social and lonely/alone.

Being alone, in my view, simply means that you do not get your shorts in a knot when you have time to yourself, to either spend by yourself or if it is in the presence of others, having "personal solitude" time. I think this is good for people to take time to reflect on their own aspirations, their own character development, their own vision and goals for one's life, as well as recharge their batteries. Let's face it, everyone likes the down time, when they can just sit back and relax, staying home on the weekend in a pair of pajamas, watching old movies or sports or playing video games or playing musical instruments. Some like the time alone in physical training, such as exercise, biking, camping, etc. Some like driving the car around on day trips.

Unfortunately, much of society has concluded that it is not a good thing if you have personal time, or are the type of person who does not always want to be in a group environment. We are innundated with commercials and movies and TV which seem to suggest that the best time is had with a group of scantily clad people, drinking beer in a cabin somewhere. Perhaps for some, that is how they exercise their social skills, but I don't believe that everyone finds that to be their ideal way of socializing. Even at work, I have talked to a lot of salespeople who hate their jobs, because they feel that they are really just being fake by putting a smile on their face and projecting what is perceived as a "assertive and confident outgoing manner", when all they want to do is just meet with their client one-on-one over coffee and discuss life. A number of them retreat to weekend cottages and retreat centres when 5PM on a Friday afternoon hits, so they can just spend time to think and mentally recharge.

Anyhow, society (through the media, in my view) has seemed to shape that: people who spend time alone = loners = angry at the world = school shooter or mass murderer. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that being alone does not have its downsides; but I believe that there are few who can be around people and distractions that come with being around people 24 hours X 7 days a week X 365 days a year. Again, with everything else, balance and moderation is a good practice here.

I also feel (and all this is just my opinion) that being lonely should not have such a negative connotation put on it. Society will tend to conclude that being lonely = no social skills = can't talk to people = no friends = antisocial = desperate or suicidal person. I guess, since I don't really accept much of societal labelling, I've never drawn this conclusion to people who are "lonely". In fact, I would dare say that being lonely is a positive thing, because it means that we are expressing our natural God-given desire for relationship with others (friendship or romantic). Now, you may think that I'm contradicting myself in the above paragraphs where I talk about the need to be alone sometimes, but again, a balance needs to be set. I see extreme extroversion just as much of a problem as extreme introversion. Anyhow, I would say that people who are lonely are really communicating a human need - a need to relate, a need to communicate, etc. I think everyone needs friends and people surrounding them to encourage and empathize with them, no matter what their lot in life.

A couple of other things I want to mention - as people have experienced at some point in your life, you may not always be able to rely on others, and sometimes others let you down, and even worse, cause you pain. I have experienced this and sometimes I would rather spend time by myself than to spend time with someone who is not kind, gossips behind people's backs, and backstabs people, even if it means that I am not being "sociable". I think it is important to keep in mind that some people may choose to be alone because they have been in hurtful relationships. Some people have experienced teasing or bullying or confrontational meeting with others, so they tend to be on the shy side (I know I am). I don't think there's anything wrong with being shy. Again, society looks down on shyness, but keep in mind, this is the same society that gives endless press to stupid, idiotic celebrities and seems to put stock in "beauty pageants".

I think the world would be a much better place if people were simply allowed to be themselves without labels put on them. Then there would be no need to put on a fake smile, no facade to perpetuate, no unrealistic expectation to conform to others' (wrong) stereotyping of personality traits, no need to hide hurts, and no need to discuss whether it's OK to have time alone.