Even "Nice Guys" Have Something to Hide

Being an avid listener of news and talk radio, I am glad in a way that today, something else was front and center of the news, instead of constantly hearing about the every waking movement of that wench, Paris Hilton. At the same time, I sincerely wish there was something else in the news that would have displaced yet another sad story about a murder-suicide, and one that, unfortunately, involves a young child.

Unless you have been sleeping under a rock for the past 24 hours, you will have no doubt heard about the story of famous wrestler Chris Benoit, and how it appears as if he was responsible for the strangulation/suffocation deaths of his wife and seven-year-old son. I mention this as a springboard into my rant today, which is not about Benoit or even wrestling, but about the erroneous notion that when it comes to nice people, society in general has a pretty good inkling of who they consider will fit such an image. My argument here is that not only is it damaging to perpetuate this image, but it also fosters an increased need to try to live up to it, which only drives people's closet skeletons even further. Certainly this is nowhere more evident than today's church-going Christians, but for now, please allow me to lay out my points.

One thing that was said in today's many talk shows which dealt with the Benoit situation, was how he was regarded by his friends, family and colleagues as a true family man, in a business where family is not necessarily put on a pedastal. It was referenced how Benoit invited his wife and son into the ring when he won the championship, and how they were involved in his work, through appearances, etc. All in all, his public and private presentation on his family life would lead many to indicate that for all intents and purposes, he had a rather model life outside of the ring (as model as the life could be, in comparison with the lives of other wrestlers).

Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah - earlier this year, there was a case in the Toronto area (actually, in the Markham area, where I live), where two women were found dead in a quiet residential street, in what was believed to be a quiet residential home. One of the women was an account executive for a radio station in Toronto, while the other was a massage therapist (if I remember right). The massage therapist was separated or divorced from a major Toronto sports broadcaster. Anyhow, the guy charged, was the first woman's husband. When it made news and they interviewed the community, the overwhelming reaction was utter shock. "But, that family looked so happy together! They are always walking their dog and with their kids, always smiling...we never saw them argue" ...and so forth. The guy charged was deemed "a nice guy" who was "incapable of such a heinous crime". Heck, they even have inadvertent videotape of him by one of the major Toronto newspapers, who happened to be filming at the Toronto Zoo on New Year's Day - they happen to catch this guy on video (about a month before he was charged for the murders), and he said on the video something to the effect of, "it's going to be a great year for the family".

Why is it that people fall for this bull crap? I remember it was the same reaction with Paul Bernardo, the infamous Canadian sexual killer of teenagers. People were aghast back in the early 90s. "No, it can't be them!!!" (referring to him and his equally guilty wife Karla Holmolka). And the worst line, "but they were such a cute couple!" (as if that somehow disqualifies them of any ill-action towards anyone). When people conclude that a couple or a family or an individual is the epitome of what a human being should be, I think that's when the person being spoken of tends to want to continue to maintain and build on such accolades, and that, of course perpetuates the problem.

Now, that is not to say that there are not genuinely nice people out there, and yes, I am sure some people can be nice all the time. But as a discussion with one of my co-workers showed, things aren't always what they seem. She said to me one time that she has a good sense of who people are and what their personalities are like. I wanted to test her on this, so I asked her to give me an assessment on myself. She said that she does not believe that I have the capacity to get angry and lose my cool, since she has worked with me for 7+ years, and I've never lost my cool at work. She also believes that I am not the arguing type (at this point, I knew that her intuition was crap, but I wanted to keep it going to show the point). She said that she believes I am very kind and that I am "tolerant" of others. She also said that I was incapable of the standard gamut of "wrongdoing". Well...where would I start in my response? I mentioned to her my past with being a porn addict and dealer, how I got into fights when I was younger, and even after being saved, I still wrestled with lust issues. I also said that I argue all the time with people - she just doesn't see it since she's not in the manager's meetings...and yes, I even argue with my wife at home. I spank my son and don't tolerate insubordination. She asked if I swore, and I wanted to be honest, and so I told her, yes, once in a while. She was surprised. I'm not sure why, since she's getting an impression based on working with me and we work under strict professional guidelines. Of course, I'm not going to yell at people in open view in the office. Never have. I'm not going to berate people in front of our customers. And yes, to an extent, I have succumbed to the need to maintain as stain-free of a demeanour and persona as I can in the office. It is, of course, ironic that a couple of months later (only about a month ago), I had a huge blow-up in the office, where I was screaming and yelling in open view, and she was the target. It wasn't deliberate or planned, and I did apologize for an extremely short fuse, but in retrospect, I think God willed it this way to humble me at work, as well as to show others that Christians are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagation.

Speaking of which, this is rampant in the vast majority of churches in North America, and I would imagine world-wide. Is it any wonder that it seems like Christians in particular get shocked over and over again when a major (or minor) preacher or teacher "falls from grace". Interestingly enough, the non-Christians don't seem terribly surprised. Yet Christians seem to continue to hold in high regard the people who are perceived as types "you can't go wrong with". I'm sure they said that about Ted Haggard.

Where is comes from is a mistaken idealism about the fact that Biblical living means that while you try to perpetuate the fruits of the Spirit, as laid out in the Epistles in one's demeanour, even in times of failure, you don't show weakness (sort of how you won't hear too many Christian men admit that they have masturbated). As it is difficult to to live out (since as it says in Romans, we have a war being waged from Satan so we do things that we know we should do but we don't, and we don't do things that we know we should) a life that consistently shows real, tangible fruit at all times, it is sometimes easier just to cover up our shortcomings, thinking it will somehow discredit the Gospel if we show that we are in fact still fallen, frail human beings. That is not to say we should not strive to be Christ-like in all that we do (I believe we should!), but when we fail, let's be honest about it and ask for God's forgiveness and strength to continue, rather than blowing smoke in people's faces with a teflon spiritual life.

A message to Christians out there - be a little more discerning in who you consider to be your close-to-perfect people. I have always believed that someone who seems to always have their act together, who always have smiling kids, who always seems to get that job or that role or that material thing or that accolade, without showing or admitting any vulerability, struggle, or doubt, probably has something they are hiding. I am totally convinced of this. The Bible is clear that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (italics mine).

Many, many years ago, before my wife and I got married, we knew a fellow, who with his wife, seemed like the "Benny Hinn" of our social circles (and since I am not a fan of Benny Hinn at all, I want to state that when I compare people to him, I am not being complimentary). He advertised that he did not drink, did not swear, and every freaking moment, would say "Praise the Lord!" Ask my wife - I'm not kidding you here - it was that bad. Once, we were all at dinner with some other friends, and he started off with his "Praise the Lord" schtick. My wife whispered to me, "what is up his ass?", to which I burst out laughing. Yet others thought he was a godly guy who again, could do no one wrong. It came as no surprise to me when we found out that he was involved in some shady business dealings, which lost him some of his Christian friends as a result. I think over time, everyone's true colours will eventually show. The old adage applies: You can fool some of the people all of the time; you can even fool all of the people some of the time; but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

The TV show Everybody Loves Raymond really drives this point home. If you don't watch it, I won't bother explaining all the characters, but what I do want to do is compare and contrast the two sets of parents (both in their 60s or older). Ray's parents argue constantly, get on each other's nerves, yet behind all the crazy antics and grumpiness, and sarcasm, lies a gentle tenderness and unspoken respect that can only be gained through honest and forthright communication. In the show, their marriage has lasted something like 45 or 50 years. Contrast that with Debra's parents, who never fought, who travelled together, and were kissy-kissy lovey-dovey all the time, using babynames for each other and smiles everywhere...one day, they had it with each other and got divorced and soon after, he brought home a younger woman. I think that episode really hits the nail on the head, as far as how people perceive relationships, but more importantly, not everything is always as it seems.

All that being said, I am writing this simply to provide some thoughts that you should never be surprised to hear such and such a person who was considered to be a nice guy, actually turns out to be a pretty rotten guy, or conversely, you should never be equally surprised to find out a person who has been considered a bad guy, to turn out to be a pretty decent guy. We don't know people's hearts, so let's all stop pretending that we do. I mean, you can read my blog here and get a sense of who you think I am, but in reality, do you really know? I could be a far-left leaning socialist liberal, for all you know, and I am just doing this to sabotage the growing conservative movement. I could be a closet homosexual hiding behind a guise of "married with children", a heavy gambler, a perpetual drug user. I could have a ton of money in the bank that I obtained through organized crime. The cops could be knocking at my door any minute, and you won't see blog updates in weeks, as I am in jail. You don't know any of this from reading what I wrote. I could be a closet schitzophrenic who otherwise covertly talks a mean talk of theology and seems like he has an aptitude for computer technology. All this can be easily put on (the movie Primal Fear makes this point brilliantly).

So next time we see someone who looks like they have it all together (or don't), let's not be so quick to draw conclusions one way or another. I believe everyone has something to hide - some just hide it better than others.