All Men Succumb to Sexual Temptation - *WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT*

Over the years, there are a few things that I have learned which have really stayed with me over time. One is that most people, when confronted to share some intimately private thoughts about their personal shortcomings, will tend to either lie, or express some sense of false humility. Related to this, it is my firm belief that when it comes to financial or sexual matters, most people will tend to avoid or run away from the topic rather than fully engage it. This was clearly evident in a recent (well, last 9 months) discussion in which I was engaged in a online discussion forum devoted to financial talk. The topic came up about debt, and very surprisingly, despite what hard statistics will reveal, that most people carry some consumer debt, 98% of the folks on there said they had no debt (we're talking consumer debt, not mortages, etc.). The ones who were honest said that they had substantial debt. Now, we're not talking about a specific segment of the population here - this forum encompassed folks from all different walks of life, age groups, racial background and economic class. Yet very few people admitted they have debt. Why is this?

I thought about it further and think I have the answer - because of what admitting such a thing would invite - namely, a fear that others may look down on a person as a result of carrying debt. I mean, just like how an overweight person may not readily admit to hitting the buffet circuit, a person who is struggling financially may not be so apt to confess this. Particularly for guys, it may be construed as a sign of weakness or lack of control. So people keep their mouths shut or blatantly lie about it.

It's not all that different than sexual matters. Now, I know some things should be kept private and / or between husband and wife. But I've been in groups of men where we were asked point blank if we struggle with sexual temptation / sexual sin/lust and some of its offshoots like masturbation. None of us, including myself raised our hands. Now, maybe because it was in the midst of other Christian men, who tend to want to keep up a certain wholesome image. The masturbating husband and father who goes to church every week is simply not an image that others want to envision. But despite the fact that almost every male that I have ever spoken with has indicated that masturbation is one of those topics that they struggle with, this admittance will only be done in the confines of two men, no more. I mean, when I was in Bible school, I had countless (and I mean countless) personal conversations with a number of people about sexual temptation. It exists, even though no one wants to discuss it. And with good reason - you don't know whether baring your struggles would eventually make the rounds amongst your social group, or in some cases when in the presence of strangers (like a Promise Keepers' meeting), become juicy gossip and discussion fodder for when they get home.

So that brings me to today's topic, which I am sure will have men all over nodding in agreement, but I doubt I would get any public acknowledgements here. Let me set up the topic for you. I will speak in vague terms in order to protect the identity of those who I don't wish to be identified. Names, not even substitute ones, will be used.

Years ago, I had a male acquaintance with whom I thoroughly enjoyed conversing, despite the fact that politically, philosophically and spirtually, we were on opposite sides of the spectrum. He oftentimes made snide comments about my opinions, but regardless, we got along well and enjoyed each other's company. Anyway, one time, our conversation ventured into uncharted territory and I shared with him a story that happened to me that my wife also knows about (she wasn't my wife at the time). I used to do shift work over a decade ago at a dead-end job that was not exactly run with an "employee first" mentality. Oftentimes I would show up after a bus ride there, to be told that there was no work for me that day or night and that I can go home (gee, thanks!) without pay (damn you!) One night, on my way home, I was taking the Sheppard 85 bus from Scarborough to North York, here in Toronto, and since the bus was relatively empty, I sat at the back where there is more room and space. At the next stop, a uh...how shall I say this, very voluptuous and scantily clad young lady came aboard the bus and proceeded to sit near the back on the side-row of seats. I sensed her looking over at me, via my peripheral vision but I was too busy looking out at the greasy and likely germ-infested window. But you know how it is - when you sense someone staring at you, you eventually stare back, if nothing else to try to stare them down. But I know that she was scantily clad so I really made a concerted effort not to look at her (and of course, being a former porn addict, there was a part of me which really wanted to). Anyway, I did eventually return her stare (I swear, I just stared at her face), if only to give her a "what do you want?" type of look. Remember, I was told after going in mid-evening that there was no work for me - so a side of me was a bit agitated (well, pissed is the exact nomenclature here) so I was in no mood to be stared at. Anyway, to my surprised, when I returned her stare, she looked me in the face and said, "Hi". I said hi, but didn't make much conversation, and then she proceeded to ask me if I wanted to be pleasured - actually, there's no point in beating around the bush here - she asked me if I wanted to be blown. I thought she was kidding, or drunk, or something else (I do think she was on something whether it be alcohol or some other chemical). She said, "come on" and for the first time in my life, I have to say, I had some serious mixed emotions. Remember, I was around 23 at the time, so it's not like I was a 40-something-declining-sex-drive type of guy. Sure, I was dating my girlfriend at the time, but we both decided to wait to get married to have sex (which we did). But obviously, in this sexually charged age, deciding to wait does in fact build up a lot of sexual tension. Anyone who would tell you otherwise is lying to you.

Anyway, while I'm sure many out there would claim to be repulsed by such a solicitation, I was actually quite flattered, even if she was on drugs or drunk. Did I give into her request? Thankfully I didn't. But I'd be lying if I said that it was an instantly easy decision. Was I tempted? Damn right I was.

I relayed the above story to my colleague (who is not a Christian), since he was similar to me in age and in a number of other ways. I mentioned the story more to illustrate a point that I was making (I forgot what the exact topic was), but he took my experience and said to me, "You know, if I was in your shoes, and know that my wife would never find out about it, I would have probably taken her up on her offer." I was shocked at his total candidness as well as his honesty. That is not to say that I admired his answer. I obviously don't. But it is refreshing to hear people at least being honest with themselves, if not with others.

Years later, I had the good fortune to meet up with another colleague of mine (who is not a Christian), this one much older than I was, and he was from a small town. I mention this detail to help illustrate that these types of things are not "city" issues, as some Christians would have you believe. Yeah, I know it's hard to fathom it, but there are gays in small towns and sexual problems and financial difficulty knows no geography. Anyway, I was driving this colleague from our downtown office to my local office, and somehow, we got on the topic of what we used to be like when we were younger. Well, I had a very close and confiding relationship with my colleague, since we used to tell each other things about company operations that we would get fired for if people knew that we knew the information we knew. In this context, I shared with him my past struggles with porn and the vigilance I need to exercise (still do!) in dealing with constant temptation (still happens). I shared with him how I tend to avoid beaches in the sumemrtime and avoid going to the mall where scantily clad girls tend to hang out. I also avoid watching certain Hollywood movies that are probably not the best for me to watch. He then shared with me how he struggled with the same thing and we got really personal with the details. Anyhow, since then, I have been thinking about this topic and over the years, I have met many men, who have more or less confirmed to me that they have all come across situations where they could have easily cheated on their spouse - whether they did or not I never asked, since I really don't want to know (I know, it's kind of cowardly of me).

Back in 1995, I got to know a fellow who was a member of a Christian band. It was an exciting time in my life, to have had the opportunity to write for a major Christian music magazine as well as the commensurate massive discounts I was offered on almost virtually any Christian or alternative Christian recording - I still have must of my collection from then and enjoy the music fondly. Anyway, with this fellow from the band, he seldom discussed anything personal, but of course with one-on-one conversations, things eventually come out, and he stated to me that he is a sex maniac. The girlfriend he had at the time he told me all about, including the 300+ times they had sex, some graphic details about her genitalia, and surprisingly, his admission that he would be willing to date someone as young as 12 (he was 22 at the time). But he said that he kept all that private because you just don't talk about such things.

You may wonder what my point is - ok, fine, men struggle with temptation - some Christians (and some non-Christians) will call it for what it is, but seldom discuss it. Some non-Christians (and some Christians) will not care and will be happy to immerse themselves in a hedonistic lifestyle. But regardless of background or faith, it is my firm belief after talking with many men (not just the two that I have detailed above) over the years about this topic, that any man can be seduced at any time. To put it more bluntly - I believe that given the right circumstances, any man, in a moment of weakness or vulnerability, have the great potential to cheat on their wife or girlfriend. The reason why I am making this a topic of discussion is that I recently have encountered a couple of folks who strongly disagree with me on this one - they say that there are men who are faithful to their wives all their lives (I don't doubt this part) and who rarely struggle with sexual temptation (I strongly doubt this part). If the masturbation numbers are accurate, it would be inconsistent to have so many men, regardless of relational status, masturbate (which is always accompanied by some fantasy), yet not struggle with temptation. I think these men must be graduates of the same school of denial that produced so many closet child-molesting priests, under the guise of forced chastity. Of course, required chastity has for me, become such a ridiculous concept that I don't give it much credence (but this is from the same guy who does not believe that singleness is hardly a gift that should be coveted).

Part of the problem here is that no one wants to admit that they are vulnerable. Sure, men probably enjoy the occasional cry, if nothing else to entice their female mate to see a more human side to them, but we're not talking emotional vulnerability here - we're talking crossing the line between a committed covenant and breaking the most important trust a human being can place on you. In our heads, we easily look at a scenario and logically process the pros and cons. I don't necessarily think that declining an invitation to participate in extra-marital infidelity necessarily is instinctive for most men. I would argue that it is not, but instead, what keeps men from giving in to temptation is a careful weighing of risk vs. reward, or to put it another way, whether the consequences are worth the risk. For some married, men, I think the answer is no. I mean, aside from having a faithful wife at home, you also have kids to think about, and to a lesser degree, a reputation and other relationships (ie. to in-laws, etc.). Of course, there is also the risk of getting caught, getting a disease, fathering a child, getting murdered (if the fling is with another married person). For probably those reasons, men keep it in their pants.

But I would argue that if you were to take away a number of those factors, all men can be seduced by a woman. Now, I don't want to create the impression that men cannot be trusted - that is not the point I'm trying to make - however, I think that the men who claim to have temptation free lives should probably re-evaluate their level of honesty to themselves. Particularly Christians who seemingly have a pre-disposition to not talk publicly about anything sexual. Considering the fact that the divorce rate amongst Christians is almost akin to the secular divorce rate, I don't think Christian men are immune to any problem. We just seem to be able to hide it better.

The Never-Ending Adventures of Sen. Larry Craig

This will be a short and sweet entry, as we are getting ready to take our son for his first day of school in the next hour - literally.

As a conservative, it may seem relatively un-kosher to bash other purported conservatives, but if there is one thing I can't stand, it is hypocrisy amongst those who claim to have some moral high ground - particularly in public officials like lawmakers/politicians, clergy, teachers, etc. It is not really the scope of this short entry to discuss why I am not endeared to these folks - I have written a much more lengthier blog entry detailing that. I do want to quickly focus my attention to the latest high-profile case which has busted a public official, and a conservative at that.

If you don't know who Sen. Larry Craig is, look him up on Wikipedia for more details. Anyhow, the gist of the case against him is that he, as a grandfather of nine, and a supposed conservative who has backed "family values" and anti-gay legislation, was busted in a Minneapolis washroom by a cop (who was assigned to look for these exact things at that exact location since there have been repeated instances there). He had allegedly signalled to the cop that he was looking to engage in some sexual activity while he was in one stall and the cop was in the other.

I heard the interview that the cop who arrested him had. The cop was so upset with him when he started denying the incident happened like how the cop described (the officer said that he is disappointed that he doesn't just admit how the incident happened like the others). The officer was visibly annoyed and disgusted at how Sen. Craig would not tell the truth. You should check out the interview, available on CNN.com - the officer was very specific in describing the incident in great details and he saw all this first-hand - otherwise, why arrest him? Anyway, subsequently, Craig did enter a guilty plea (which since the time this has been made public, he has backtracked on saying he was confused and he will fight to reverse the plea). He has also resigned from his job as Senator.

What i find laughable in all this is the lame-brain excuses Craig makes. He was accused of making two body language moves while he was in the stall directly to the left of the arresting officer. One was sliding his hand underneath the stall wall, while the other was touching his right foot with the arresting officer's left foot and then tapping it. Apparently, these two signs are common for those who want a sexual favour.

Craig claims that he did not put his hand under the stall, but reached down to grab a piece of toilet paper on the floor. Honestly...who the hell picks up a piece of toilet paper on the dirty ground of a public men's washroom? Craig also admits that his foot touched the officer's foot, but it was an accident...since he sits in a "wide stance". I don't believe this one either since even if he was a...uh...plus-sized individual, he would have to really reach over to touch the other person's foot. Case in point - there is this fella at work, who works for our client, who is, um...quite plump. If anyone has an excuse to sit in a wide stance, he does. However, as I sat beside several times in the past in the stall, his foot was not even once close to coming over to my stall (and this dude is about 6' 3", 400lbs.) He would have had to deliberately reached in with his foot.

The officer also claimed that he used his left hand to slide underneath the stall (which would mean he would have had to reach over), since the cop saw his wedding ring (which Craig says he only wears on his left hand).

Craig has denied that he is a closet homosexual. He has denied that the whole incident happened as the officer indicated. Generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, but something about his whole story stinks.

Peverted Justice and Pedophiles

I just came back from a friendly round of golf with some friends at church (yes, I finished in last place, though I am encouraged by the fact that I bettered my score by ten strokes compared to a few weeks ago - still, the score is nothing to write home about). My wife is busy in the other room preparing for work tomorrow, the kids at the daycare are all asleep (as is my son), so I thought I'd catch up on email from this week, something that I haven't been doing much of at all.

I got an interesting email from a person in the U.S. with whom I speak with often about U.S. / Canadian politics and social issues. The email had a YouTube link included, which played a video sniplet of a U.S. television show called Perverted Justice (it airs on NBC, it looks like), in which they set up live sting operations in which they get an over-18 "actress" to impersonate a 12 or 13 year old online, in order to lure potential pedophiles into meeting. With hidden cameras in tow, they show the whole sting operation.

While I haven't watched Peverted Justice previously, they did air something remarkably similar on the Canadian investigative/journalistic show W5, earlier this year. My wife and I watched it and she got sick to her stomach seeing how many married (and sometimes with kids) people showed up at this house to have sexual encounters with these pre-teeens. As if that wasn't bad enough, when everything was set and the pervert was engaging in conversation with the "teen", out pops the host of the show, with the online correspondence in hand and asks pointed questions to the perpetrator. Sometimes, the host will rummage through the bag(s) that the perpetrator brings, finding all sorts of disgusting stuff inside.

In watching this video clip on YouTube, it brings to mind something that I've been meaning to talk about on this blog anyway - which is why it seems that pedophilia and child porn is on the rise these days (or seemingly so). When I was a little boy, there was some mention of inappropriate touching in our school classrooms, but ultimately, the conclusion seemed to be that these were rare occurrences and that it was some mental sicko who was responsible for this. Some have argued that cases of molestation have always been there - it's just that it was much more hidden 25 years ago. There was a very negative stigma towards molesters in general. I was never molested, nor did I know anyone who was, so my sense is that it was "safer" back then than it is now.

I have no idea why it seems that pedophilia is so prevalent these days, but perhaps I can brainstorm some possibilities:

1) Like it or not, I think that the internet has played a huge part in this. In the old days, I would imagine that pedophiles would operate by mail and secret meetings and so forth. Now, with the anonymity of the internet, any predator can easily disguise themselves under a plethora of online monikers. I was listening to CFRB this past week, and they mentioned that the social website myspace.com, which I understand is more geared towards teenagers, has about 28,000 (that's right, twenty-eight thousand) registered sex offenders as members. That's kind of scary if you ask me. Because perpetrators now have the internet to hide behind, they can much more easily ply their craft and seduce kids.

2) This will be a controversial one for me to discuss, but as it is simple brainstorming, I thought I'd just throw it out. It would appear, to me anyway, that kids are dressing more and more provocatively these days. Yes, I know the response - no one invites an attack, a molestation, a rape. This is true. But knowing that there are probably more perverts out there than there used to be, by dressing in an even remotely sexual manner, I think that they are not helping to curb the fantasies of potential pedophiles. My wife went to the mall earlier this week, as it was our nine-year anniversary on Wednesday and I gave her some gift certificates, and she had mentioned to me that there were these girls there, who weren't any older than 11 or 12, who had "practically nothing on" (her words, not mine). My wife said that she was "very pretty". Now, you add the fact that she was a cute girl, coupled with the fact that she was wearing pretty revealing clothes - I think that is just helping to conjure up fantasies for a potential pedophile.

3) Porn seems to be considered somewhat acceptable these days, almost fashonable. I definitely don't believe there is the social stigma associated with viewing porn. Case in point - last month on a call-in radio show, they had women call in and expressed whether they would have any issues with working porn themselves or having their husbands / boyfriends watch it. To my surprise, all 12 women callers on that segment of the show had no issues with it, and some even encouraged it as a marital aid. To no one's surprise, all the men calling in (about 5 or 6) had no problem with it. I think with an acceptable view of pornography uses, that has cut some of the stigma out of variations of pornography. I'm not saying that society in general finds child porn acceptable, but I am saying that because porn in general seems to be more societally accepted, the makers of child porn have a pretty large audience to which they can cater their products (coupled with the internet's use of file sharing programs and what not).

4) Children seem to be pushed to grow up faster these days, by society in general. Look at the plethora of DVDs and toys and learning materials available for kids. We're churning out kids who act more like adults, speaking with more sophistication earlier. Children who act like typical kids are called "immature" and not as developmentally advanced. It almost goes back to the old days in England where kids who were 11 or 12 were expected to work full time hours in labourious conditions (and interestingly enough, the age of marriage was considerably lower). You even see this in various industries - kids who are young teenagers are becoming pro golfers and tennis players. Young actors and actresses abound (believe it or not, I heard on the radio a year or so ago that there was a website dedicated to some 12-year-old actress that has some running clock that counts down to when she turns 18. I can't think of too many noble reason for such a site, but that seems to be how prevalent this stuff is). Fashion and perfume companies are signing up models as young as 11. Children have much more pressure on them to grow up faster and of course, I would imagine this would make them attractive to pedophiles.

Ultimately though, I think it may also come down to the fact that we live, and have lived for the last decade or more, in a relatively permissive environment. People's individual rights of speech and expression are protected so fiercely that even if they are encroaching on the border between child pornography and artistic depictions of children, the law does not have enough provisions to shut them down early, in the interests of society as a whole. Parents don't correct their kids as much as they should, so their kids grow up thinking that everything is relatively acceptable, so what's wrong with fantasizing about a pre-pubescent? True, laws and governements can never tell people how or what to think (and it is not their place to do so), but surely they must realize their responsibility to protect their most vulnerable members of their society, even if it means that it infringes on someone's right to free expression. And lawmakers and law enforcement need to realize that those who are convicted as sex offenders are very unlikely to just "change". Urges can be suppressed, either with will power or through medication (and even then, the assumption is that the offender takes the medication). Those convicted of crimes against children should never be released to the general public again - they can be monitored all you want, but I've always believed that if you have a pre-disposition to this type of sexual attraction, it is not "fixable", so it would not be in society's best interest (nor the neighbourhood's, where the convict is being released) to release these perverts and hope for the best.