All Men Succumb to Sexual Temptation - *WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT*

Over the years, there are a few things that I have learned which have really stayed with me over time. One is that most people, when confronted to share some intimately private thoughts about their personal shortcomings, will tend to either lie, or express some sense of false humility. Related to this, it is my firm belief that when it comes to financial or sexual matters, most people will tend to avoid or run away from the topic rather than fully engage it. This was clearly evident in a recent (well, last 9 months) discussion in which I was engaged in a online discussion forum devoted to financial talk. The topic came up about debt, and very surprisingly, despite what hard statistics will reveal, that most people carry some consumer debt, 98% of the folks on there said they had no debt (we're talking consumer debt, not mortages, etc.). The ones who were honest said that they had substantial debt. Now, we're not talking about a specific segment of the population here - this forum encompassed folks from all different walks of life, age groups, racial background and economic class. Yet very few people admitted they have debt. Why is this?

I thought about it further and think I have the answer - because of what admitting such a thing would invite - namely, a fear that others may look down on a person as a result of carrying debt. I mean, just like how an overweight person may not readily admit to hitting the buffet circuit, a person who is struggling financially may not be so apt to confess this. Particularly for guys, it may be construed as a sign of weakness or lack of control. So people keep their mouths shut or blatantly lie about it.

It's not all that different than sexual matters. Now, I know some things should be kept private and / or between husband and wife. But I've been in groups of men where we were asked point blank if we struggle with sexual temptation / sexual sin/lust and some of its offshoots like masturbation. None of us, including myself raised our hands. Now, maybe because it was in the midst of other Christian men, who tend to want to keep up a certain wholesome image. The masturbating husband and father who goes to church every week is simply not an image that others want to envision. But despite the fact that almost every male that I have ever spoken with has indicated that masturbation is one of those topics that they struggle with, this admittance will only be done in the confines of two men, no more. I mean, when I was in Bible school, I had countless (and I mean countless) personal conversations with a number of people about sexual temptation. It exists, even though no one wants to discuss it. And with good reason - you don't know whether baring your struggles would eventually make the rounds amongst your social group, or in some cases when in the presence of strangers (like a Promise Keepers' meeting), become juicy gossip and discussion fodder for when they get home.

So that brings me to today's topic, which I am sure will have men all over nodding in agreement, but I doubt I would get any public acknowledgements here. Let me set up the topic for you. I will speak in vague terms in order to protect the identity of those who I don't wish to be identified. Names, not even substitute ones, will be used.

Years ago, I had a male acquaintance with whom I thoroughly enjoyed conversing, despite the fact that politically, philosophically and spirtually, we were on opposite sides of the spectrum. He oftentimes made snide comments about my opinions, but regardless, we got along well and enjoyed each other's company. Anyway, one time, our conversation ventured into uncharted territory and I shared with him a story that happened to me that my wife also knows about (she wasn't my wife at the time). I used to do shift work over a decade ago at a dead-end job that was not exactly run with an "employee first" mentality. Oftentimes I would show up after a bus ride there, to be told that there was no work for me that day or night and that I can go home (gee, thanks!) without pay (damn you!) One night, on my way home, I was taking the Sheppard 85 bus from Scarborough to North York, here in Toronto, and since the bus was relatively empty, I sat at the back where there is more room and space. At the next stop, a uh...how shall I say this, very voluptuous and scantily clad young lady came aboard the bus and proceeded to sit near the back on the side-row of seats. I sensed her looking over at me, via my peripheral vision but I was too busy looking out at the greasy and likely germ-infested window. But you know how it is - when you sense someone staring at you, you eventually stare back, if nothing else to try to stare them down. But I know that she was scantily clad so I really made a concerted effort not to look at her (and of course, being a former porn addict, there was a part of me which really wanted to). Anyway, I did eventually return her stare (I swear, I just stared at her face), if only to give her a "what do you want?" type of look. Remember, I was told after going in mid-evening that there was no work for me - so a side of me was a bit agitated (well, pissed is the exact nomenclature here) so I was in no mood to be stared at. Anyway, to my surprised, when I returned her stare, she looked me in the face and said, "Hi". I said hi, but didn't make much conversation, and then she proceeded to ask me if I wanted to be pleasured - actually, there's no point in beating around the bush here - she asked me if I wanted to be blown. I thought she was kidding, or drunk, or something else (I do think she was on something whether it be alcohol or some other chemical). She said, "come on" and for the first time in my life, I have to say, I had some serious mixed emotions. Remember, I was around 23 at the time, so it's not like I was a 40-something-declining-sex-drive type of guy. Sure, I was dating my girlfriend at the time, but we both decided to wait to get married to have sex (which we did). But obviously, in this sexually charged age, deciding to wait does in fact build up a lot of sexual tension. Anyone who would tell you otherwise is lying to you.

Anyway, while I'm sure many out there would claim to be repulsed by such a solicitation, I was actually quite flattered, even if she was on drugs or drunk. Did I give into her request? Thankfully I didn't. But I'd be lying if I said that it was an instantly easy decision. Was I tempted? Damn right I was.

I relayed the above story to my colleague (who is not a Christian), since he was similar to me in age and in a number of other ways. I mentioned the story more to illustrate a point that I was making (I forgot what the exact topic was), but he took my experience and said to me, "You know, if I was in your shoes, and know that my wife would never find out about it, I would have probably taken her up on her offer." I was shocked at his total candidness as well as his honesty. That is not to say that I admired his answer. I obviously don't. But it is refreshing to hear people at least being honest with themselves, if not with others.

Years later, I had the good fortune to meet up with another colleague of mine (who is not a Christian), this one much older than I was, and he was from a small town. I mention this detail to help illustrate that these types of things are not "city" issues, as some Christians would have you believe. Yeah, I know it's hard to fathom it, but there are gays in small towns and sexual problems and financial difficulty knows no geography. Anyway, I was driving this colleague from our downtown office to my local office, and somehow, we got on the topic of what we used to be like when we were younger. Well, I had a very close and confiding relationship with my colleague, since we used to tell each other things about company operations that we would get fired for if people knew that we knew the information we knew. In this context, I shared with him my past struggles with porn and the vigilance I need to exercise (still do!) in dealing with constant temptation (still happens). I shared with him how I tend to avoid beaches in the sumemrtime and avoid going to the mall where scantily clad girls tend to hang out. I also avoid watching certain Hollywood movies that are probably not the best for me to watch. He then shared with me how he struggled with the same thing and we got really personal with the details. Anyhow, since then, I have been thinking about this topic and over the years, I have met many men, who have more or less confirmed to me that they have all come across situations where they could have easily cheated on their spouse - whether they did or not I never asked, since I really don't want to know (I know, it's kind of cowardly of me).

Back in 1995, I got to know a fellow who was a member of a Christian band. It was an exciting time in my life, to have had the opportunity to write for a major Christian music magazine as well as the commensurate massive discounts I was offered on almost virtually any Christian or alternative Christian recording - I still have must of my collection from then and enjoy the music fondly. Anyway, with this fellow from the band, he seldom discussed anything personal, but of course with one-on-one conversations, things eventually come out, and he stated to me that he is a sex maniac. The girlfriend he had at the time he told me all about, including the 300+ times they had sex, some graphic details about her genitalia, and surprisingly, his admission that he would be willing to date someone as young as 12 (he was 22 at the time). But he said that he kept all that private because you just don't talk about such things.

You may wonder what my point is - ok, fine, men struggle with temptation - some Christians (and some non-Christians) will call it for what it is, but seldom discuss it. Some non-Christians (and some Christians) will not care and will be happy to immerse themselves in a hedonistic lifestyle. But regardless of background or faith, it is my firm belief after talking with many men (not just the two that I have detailed above) over the years about this topic, that any man can be seduced at any time. To put it more bluntly - I believe that given the right circumstances, any man, in a moment of weakness or vulnerability, have the great potential to cheat on their wife or girlfriend. The reason why I am making this a topic of discussion is that I recently have encountered a couple of folks who strongly disagree with me on this one - they say that there are men who are faithful to their wives all their lives (I don't doubt this part) and who rarely struggle with sexual temptation (I strongly doubt this part). If the masturbation numbers are accurate, it would be inconsistent to have so many men, regardless of relational status, masturbate (which is always accompanied by some fantasy), yet not struggle with temptation. I think these men must be graduates of the same school of denial that produced so many closet child-molesting priests, under the guise of forced chastity. Of course, required chastity has for me, become such a ridiculous concept that I don't give it much credence (but this is from the same guy who does not believe that singleness is hardly a gift that should be coveted).

Part of the problem here is that no one wants to admit that they are vulnerable. Sure, men probably enjoy the occasional cry, if nothing else to entice their female mate to see a more human side to them, but we're not talking emotional vulnerability here - we're talking crossing the line between a committed covenant and breaking the most important trust a human being can place on you. In our heads, we easily look at a scenario and logically process the pros and cons. I don't necessarily think that declining an invitation to participate in extra-marital infidelity necessarily is instinctive for most men. I would argue that it is not, but instead, what keeps men from giving in to temptation is a careful weighing of risk vs. reward, or to put it another way, whether the consequences are worth the risk. For some married, men, I think the answer is no. I mean, aside from having a faithful wife at home, you also have kids to think about, and to a lesser degree, a reputation and other relationships (ie. to in-laws, etc.). Of course, there is also the risk of getting caught, getting a disease, fathering a child, getting murdered (if the fling is with another married person). For probably those reasons, men keep it in their pants.

But I would argue that if you were to take away a number of those factors, all men can be seduced by a woman. Now, I don't want to create the impression that men cannot be trusted - that is not the point I'm trying to make - however, I think that the men who claim to have temptation free lives should probably re-evaluate their level of honesty to themselves. Particularly Christians who seemingly have a pre-disposition to not talk publicly about anything sexual. Considering the fact that the divorce rate amongst Christians is almost akin to the secular divorce rate, I don't think Christian men are immune to any problem. We just seem to be able to hide it better.