People Should Not Be Sticking Fingers In Other People's Butts

Well, tomorrow is a milestone of sorts for me, and one which I would hope would never come. I am at the age where I can no longer deny the medical establishment the profound opportunity to violate my anal cavity under the auspices of a health probe. Yeah, I know it's common, but that doesn't make it right. Sure, some people have mentioned to me that based on the fact that my Dad (65 1/2) has had previous issues with his prostate and subsequently required surgery a few years ago, that it would be in my best interests to bend over, and think about the Smurfs while my new doctor (a male, for crying out loud - talk about adding insult to injury) - inserts a digit, hoping to find whatever he is looking for. I will be observing him at all times and should the faintest sign of a smile come on his face, I will not hesitate to, pardon the strong language, kick his ass (no pun intended).

My appointment is tomorrow late afternoon after work. Somehow, if my company's ethics agreement did not forbid the consumption of alcohol in the office, nor did the provincial laws prohibit (rightly so) driving under the influence, I would probably be able to better prepare myself in anticipation of this extremely embarrassing procedure. Needless to say, I have a bottle of Cabernet all ready at home, so that I can quickly and efficiently soothe what will no doubt be a traumatic experience for me.

My wife says that I am a big chicken for fearing tomorrow's impending butt-check. She does have a point, to a degree. Both our kids were born by caesarean section, and with our first, my wife was poked, prodded, and had all sorts of instruments jammed inside her that made even me, a seasoned viewer of Stallone and Rambo movies, squeamish. I remember when they broke her water after doing a number of other very invasive procedures - they stuck this thing like a steel paper towel roll into her and then followed by pushing in these crochet-type of needles. Sheesh, even the thought of this now makes me shiver. But I agree, she was a trooper, and it's hard to argue with someone like her who, while historically has been afraid of surgeries and such, has had to go through two c-sections, and two miscarriages, one of which required invasive surgery. She said for me to get a finger up the butt is nothing, and I have no right to protest.

Still, as a guy, this is not something which I feel is perfectly natural. With the advances in medical technology, you would think that there would be easy ways of running an ultrasound to determine whether I had any issues down there (or is it up there?). I really should not be subjected to an activity which is probably commonplace in the Yonge/Wellesley area of Toronto. Maybe it's my Asian upbringing and the subsequent degree of modesty that I profess to have (even though I admitedly walk around the house with nothing by boxers on). Maybe it's my very heterosexual persona, which will not allow for such privacy-inhibiting activities to be performed upon my very body.

Or maybe my wife is right - I am simply a big chicken.

I have been thinking long and hard (my mental faculties, as limited as they are, have been working overtime) in trying to formulate a way to get out of the appointment. Unfortunately, any attempts to change my fate tomorrow afternoon has failed to materialize. I was thinking of having my wife don some latex gloves and perform a "dry run", so to speak, this evening, but she is biking with a friend. So I am left to wallow in my fears and apprehension and hopes that the Lord takes me before the late afternoon hours tomorrow.