Pornography or Porn Addiction - FOR MEN ONLY

Sorry ladies. This single blog entry that you are reading - I am writing as a man, for other men. There will probably be things that women will not understand here, so please, no questions from anyone other than men here. Of course, all my other blog entries are unisex, so lots of choices for the estrogen set amongst us.

OK, where to begin with this one. I guess I can start by explaining why on earth I have chosen such a strange topic to discuss, and why I am targeting men only. I would think that the answer is obvious, but perhaps it is not. It is my belief, and I believe that somehow, this can be substantiated by statistics of some sort, that the vast majority of pornography consumers are men. OK, there are always exceptions and that while I am sure that there are more than a few women who have a growing collection of porn, I think they are in the minority.

I am also targeting this towards men because I know that they can relate to what I'm saying here (at least with the struggle itself, although perhaps not with my conclusions). If you can't relate in any degree to this topic, I think you either have your head in the sand in denial, or you are vision-impaired. My hope here is to give men some semblance of encouragement and by reading this, they will know that they are not alone in their struggle with porn. Specifically, I am targeting Christian men, whose struggle would be more pronounced.

I have some other observations which you will not find anywhere else, since it comes from personal observation from my opinionated self. It is my belief that the reason why so many Asian men who are either born or primarily raised in North America are attracted to Caucasian females is because it is mostly Caucasian females that they see in porn. If you think otherwise, contact me and I'll be happy to discuss with you.

I need to warn you at the outset that while I am not going to get into any explicit descriptions on anything or engage in any visuals with words, this probably is something that you don't want to read with kids around, or at work.

I've had people with whom I have spoken with about this topic question whether this is a struggle at all. One person told me that I was "weak" because I need to take certain evasive actions to make sure I am not in certain places at certain times (like on the beach in the middle of the summer, or at a Hooter's restaurant). I concurred with him - yes, I don't trust myself and yes, it sucks that I can't go to certain places. You know why? Scandily clad women - not good for my brain, especially given my past with extensive exposure to all sorts of porn. That's how it's going to be like now, and that's how it's going to be like for the rest of my life. Now, people have also used the argument that "hey, you're just looking, it's not like you're touching." That is technically true, but let's consider that argument. How many people have had affairs that have not started gradually with a glance? Let's face it, men are vision-oriented, which is why we like the "look" of things - the new technological gadget, the new sports car, the new golf clubs, the new house, etc. Women like the look of things as well, but I would dare argue that women are not as sexually stimulated by visuals as men are. For the Christian, the argument is pretty plain and simple. Jesus says in even looking at a woman lustfully is no different than actually committing adultery, since it's done in the heart already (Matthew 6, I believe). The heart is responsible for many of our actions. Let's also consider what I just said above about a gradual progression of lust starting with visual stimulation using a Biblical example: David seeing Bathsheba bathing in public. That started what turned out to be a disastrous turn of events that eventually led to her husband's not-so-accidental death. Even Job, our model of perseverance in tough times, has been cited as saying that he made a covenant with his eyes not to look at a virgin, or young girl, something that has not been the most cited of Scripture verses. Men are indeed visually stimulated, and I don't think there is any doubt about that.

The problem with pornography addiction is that it is seldom seen as a problem, as much as something like a drinking addiction or a gambling addiction or a drug addiction has often been attributed to be. These days, it's almost given borderline comical treatment in that it is very societally pervasive in anything from print to TV to radio to any other medium of communication. Heck, a pizza shop in Winnipeg, I recently heard has started to make the headlines in that it places a large nude photo of a woman inside the pizza box (underneath the pizza). It seems to be a popular mindset that watching porn is something that you do in private that has no direct impact on others, particularly for the unmarried person, even the unmarried Christian believer. Here's where I find the problem to be: 1) you are engaged in fantasy, so the women (the way they look and act) are generally unrealistic. In real life, women (even the closest women like spouses) are not always sexually available to you, especially if you are a father with kids or have the general responsibilities most men have. 2) this is perhaps the most troubling component of pornography - it caters to the ever-increasing human need to not be satisfied with what you have, but want more. In this case, we are talking about a sexual gravitation from basic nudity to hardcore pornography to who knows what else (I don't think I need to say). How many boys started out with looking at bra and bikini photos and then move to softcore porn like Playboy, and eventually to the hardcore stuff? Related is point 3) There has been a proven link between sexually aggressive males who end up committing sexual crimes and their exposure to porn. It is my belief that every male who watches porn, who gravitates to the next level of hard-core-ness, has the propensity to commit a sexual crime if the circumstances were ideal for them to do so (such as they can get away with it, etc.). These points, of course, ignore other important aspects which relate to proper socialization and if you are talking Christian circles, marital fidelity and so forth. 4) Porn is set up for instant gratification. Real life is obviously not like that that. I won't bother mincing words here - the vast majority, if not all men, who watch porn do not watch it like they watch an amazing putt from Tiger Woods on TV. I would contend that most, if not all men, use porn to relieve sexual tension through masturbation (by the way, if you do this while watching golf on television, might I suggest that there are other issues that you may wish to deal with that are beyond the scope of this blog).

Now, here is where my conclusions will draw the ire of many people, and where I will likely differ from most people who look at this issue. I do not believe pornography addiction can be successfully treated to the point where it just goes away and never comes back. I do not believe that it can be cured. It can be controlled, but that's about it. I would liken that to these organizations who claim that former homosexuals have changed to heterosexuals through their program. I don't doubt a person's desire to change, and I don't doubt that they genuinely are able to live a new life. I am not a psychologist or a Christian minister or counsellor, so I'm sure that those folks will take me to task on my view, but as a guy who has had a lot of exposure with pornography, I can tell you that the underlying lustfulness never goes away, and yes, this is even after you get married, and yes, even after you become saved. Thankfully, I have too much love for my wife and son to want to do something that will damage that relationship. The temptation will always be there for men. And as a believer, I am conscious of the fact that pornography is not acceptable to God (Scriptural passages about avoiding and fleeing sexual immorality, etc.) and no believer should think it is harmless. Sexual immorality is discussed frequently in the New Testament because it has always been a problem in the world - always has been, and I will maintain that it will always be.

What about the people who say that they used to be porn addicts for 20 years and they are able to kick the habit just like that and attribute it to the power of God, and in interviews, they say they are clean? Well, I certainly am in no position to judge their hearts; however, practically speaking, let me concede one point - I absolutely believe that God has the power to instantly take away someone's appetite for pornography. I am not, however totally convinced that God always works like this - remember Paul had that "thorn in the flesh" which we don't know what it was? He asked God to take it away and God chose not to? From a total human nature perspective, also consider the overall picture. IF you are a celebrity or on TV, were addicted to porn, and have relied on God to help you overcome it, make a public profession what you were like before, what you are like now, and to what you attribute the change...let's say that you failed one day and were looking at porn again after a few years - then you are on a Billy Graham special when someone asks you how things are going, are you likely going to say, "pretty good, but once in a while I give into temptation?" Although that's an honest and sincere answer, you're unlikely to hear it in Christian circles. That's why my position is never that you can totally get away from it. You have to constantly have your guard up and yield to God to help you to overcome the addiction - as I believe that He is the only One who can intervene - and I'm not just saying that - I truly believe it.

Still, I take the best precautions that I am able, since God did give me a brain and some common sense to boot. I already mention that I avoid certain places, but that's not where the battle lies. The battle lies in making sure that you don't get in a sitaution where something seems very innocent and you let your guard down. There are TV shows that I avoid since I know that there are probably suggestive enough themes, and as a general rule, I rent movies rather than go to the theatre - at least I can turn it off if it's crap, and not waste as much money). I generally make it a point not to hang around other men (and yes, even other Christians) who have no problem making not overtly sexual, but innuendo-laced comments about women's looks - ie. watching a beach volleyball game or watching a bunch of girls walking by and commenting on them in ways that is probably borderline sexual. It's just not good for me. However the biggest temptation for me (and I would think for many men) is the internet, particularly the privacy and lack of trails that come with it. As an IT guy who is very well versed in technology, I can tell you that if you have a porn addiction that you want to abandon, here are things that I feel DO NOT work (just my opinion), and I will go to my grave arguing that if you are using these things, you are fighting a losing battle.

Killing/disabling your internet access. This is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. Guess what will happen? Your appetite will only build and then you will either re-instate it, or go elsewhere for your pornography fix. I've talked with too many men who have tried this...and tried this...

Similarly, using self-imposed software tools is absolutely ridiculous. If you know how to install it, you can probably figure out how to uninstall it, and if you don't know how, or are restricted by some password that you get your spouse or significant other to set, you'll do your research if you want it bad enough and find a way around it. These types of software are good for restricting minors and kids (who I don't even think should be using the internet to begin with) from accidentally accessing objectionable material, but for the porn addict wanting to get off the porn bandwagon, it's a waste of time.

Cold turkey does not work - promising yourself that you will not look at porn is effective - until you fail and make another promise once again as a result.

Despite what is mentioned in many Christian publications about using a buddy system for accountability, I don't believe that works. You can always lie to your buddy.

So what works? Here's what I can tell you. Training your eyes. No, that is not the same as cold turkey. When you starve your eyes of things that can potentially give you a boner, what you are doing is deliberately conditioning yourself to turn away and not look at anything that you know will have potential to tempt you. I'm not just talking porn here - I'm talking about avoiding conversation or contact with the female customer at work who wears clothes that accent body parts (if you think I am being stupid here, have you actually attempted to look someone in the face only during conversation while their cleavage is leaking out and jumping out at you? It's almost impossible to do). Or choosing not to spend time with the folks who tell the sexually suggestive jokes. I'm talking about walking on the sidewalk in the summertime with your head down, staring at the pavement. This is very hard to do, trust me, but it is effective. The pressure to look will be intense, and yes, you may even have friends that think that you are gay. The best thing this will do is offer consistency in ensuring that you get into the habit of not looking. I'm not talking willing yourself not to look, simply forming a regular habit of admitting where you are most vulnerable and taking steps to counter it by not glancing in the first place. After a while, it will get easier. You may not always be successful, but it's the first important step to take. For the Christian, I would also augment that with lots of prayer (I know, people will laugh at me but I can attest first-hand the power of prayer and the fact that it does work). Pray at points when you are tempted - other Christian guys I know have done this and say it works better than you may think.

The Bible addresses temptation in something like 1 Corinthians 10:13 (I believe) where it says God does not tempt us, but that no temptation has seized us except what is common to man. And that God is faithful and if we flee or run away from it, God will put a cover above us. More importantly, God knows our limits and what we can bear in terms of temptation (that is a gross paraphrase, but it's the main points).

For the internet issues - if you are going to spend a lot of time on the internet, you need to find something to keep you busy, almost displacing your time in between doing the things that you need to do. It is no secret that I spent copious amounts of time on eBay and craigslist, making money selling stuff. But being on the internet a lot has its temptations, so instead of deliberately having dead time in between eBay or craigslist sales, I do a lot of writing as you can tell. Stuff like this blog is good to get my natural skills and talents honed, but it also keeps me busy doing something productive so I'm not sitting around searching for porn. I also participate in discussion groups and forums - I do find the internet very handy, but I just need to constantly be aware of my surroundings. I also find that being a computer geek, giving up using the computer and using the internet is completely unrealistic for me, so I play a lot of computer video games (think what you will about video games, but I'd rather have my kid playing fun video games anyday, rather than looking for porn - and yes, I realize some video games have objectionable material, but I'm not talking about those games).

In the end, I think that just like any other issue with which one struggles, it ultimately comes down to how much one wants to change, if they feel that a change is needed. I can tell you firsthand that this is not a problem without consequences and this is not a problem without lingering after-effects. It has the potential to ruin relationships and marriages and friendships, and that's hardly something I would consider innocent.