At A Crossroads in My Life...

I just got out of another lengthy board of elders meeting at my church. It is now 12:12AM and I need to work tomorrow. I also have only had 2-3 hours of sleep last night as my son awoke me in the middle of the night to go pee (him, not me) and I just could not get back to sleep. But despite how tired I am right this very moment, I really need to put pen to paper and jot down my thoughts, as I think I have finally hit the point in my life where I need to make some major decisions. It seems as if I am finally at that crossroads, which I have conveniently delayed and put off for so long. I really feel that it is time to earnestly seek God's direction for several decisions I feel it is time to make. What led me to this was certain mixed signals I am sensing in terms of things I am doing in my life. I guess my philosophy was to simply let whatever God has in store happen, but at the same time, I think I've been too complacent to actively seek His will; rather, I have simply drifted along, thinking that something will happen eventually, not seriously considering whether He wants me to actually go one way and that I should be seeking His counsel as to what that is.

One is whether to let my name stand for re-nomination to the church's board next year, when my term expires. This may sound like a trivial thing, since it's a volunteer job and as such, I don't get paid to do it; but I really question how effective I have been. Getting into the nitty gritty of helping to run a church is very daunting, and to be perfectly honest, at times terribly depressing. I think that at the very least, I have had a very good learning experience - but at the same time, I need to do some soul searching and some serious prayer as to why God gave me this opportunity in the first place. The expectations are very high, and as I thought back in 2005 when I was first nominated, and eventually confirmed, there are better candidates to do this than myself. I also wonder whether I am able to make any difference - I am generally an oddity, with my conservative opinions and thoughts, and it does seem as if I am going against the grain many times. My goal is never to piss anyone off (not deliberately, anyway). However, with my combatative nature, I'm not sure whether I am suited for this type of ministry where tact and grace and empathy are required. However, truth be told, working with a group of people who have differing opinions, and trying to reconcile them towards some sort of a consensus that brings glory to God's name, has been a tremendous blessing. I think that I have become much more balanced as a result, to be able to see both sides of the story. But at the same time, there are times where I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe it's because I'm tired right now and can't think straight, but I never have really felt that I have "fit in" to the church leadership mold. Perhaps my perceptions of what church leadership is, should be revisited. So I really need some time to discern what my role is in a church environment - I have a lot of questions to ask of God - why did He give me a Christian education degree, but I'm working in Information Technology for the past 10 years of my life? If I were to die today, aside from the wonderful opportunity to have been a husband and a father, I am not sure why I have been put on this earth. I really don't know. What is my best usefulness in serving Him inside and outside of church? Am I realizing my giftedness potential? Do I even know what my gifts are? I am ashamed to admit that I have not been praying enough about any and all of this, but I suppose this is a good impetus to perhaps get my lines of communication with God strengthened.

Changing gears: I also was in a discussion with one of my friends, Sharon, today, who once again encouraged me to really put my writing into practice - she was surprised why I didn't write full time. As a writer herself, I am honoured that she would say such kind words. But it left an impression on me this afternoon as I was in the office, as I spent some time in thought at my desk. I have been with my company for 10 years now, most of it in a leader/manager capacity. At first it was great to have a good paying job and the ability to get new challenges and the thrill of being employed was something of which I was really proud. But again, I have never felt like I "fit" into the corporate mold, despite the fact that I get excellent reviews year after year (I have been truly blessed to have had my efforts recognized year after year with raises, bonuses, and more reponsibility). I have met many great people at work, who have encouraged me and have been an absolute pleasure to work with - I could not have asked for better people to have come across my path for the 1/3 of my daily life that I spend in an office environment.

Yet, this afternoon, I spent a considerable amount of time at my desk (and during my lunch hour) thinking, "Why am I doing this?" Again, I get the feeling that I should be doing something else, or that I am not fully doing what I should be doing. I start wondering why I was given the gift to write (one of the very few gifts I have), yet I am working in an unrelated industry, a shrinking one. I have pondered the going-back-to-school thing, though at this time, I really feel that it is not feasible. I have a family to support and while I am absolutely certain that I have the aptitude to handle and grasp more academics, and probably work towards a PhD or something, I really feel that financially, it is not feasible, and practically, it will be a challenge. Any re-education at this point would mean that I would have to take out loans to pay off schooling, something which I cannot afford to do (my wife's student loan from 15 years ago will finally be paid off next month). Not to mention, if I were to go back to school, who would work and supply for the family? My wife and I have decided long ago that her staying home with our son is the best move, and we have seen that pay dividends in our son's development. In addition to that, I will start all the way at the beginning again and work my way back up. But for what? I don't feel that my calling is to work in an office for the rest of my life, as fun as that is, has been and will likely continue to be. I just don't want to change careers for no discernable reason. Sort of like the age-old illustration/anecdote of the worker who digs the ditch, to get the money, to buy the food, to give the energy...to dig the ditch. Anyone ever stop to ask the question, "why?"

Do you ever get the feeling that you know you should be doing something else? I enjoy my job at work, but just have this gut feeling that there is more out there that I should be doing - unfortunately, I have gained much of a sense as to what that should be...yet. I have no desire to become a CEO or VP or anything like that - I was just discussing with my colleague today that my worldview is quite different than most people - I don't crave power or control. I can never step on people to advance to the next level. I can't lie to seal the deal. Yes, all this is probably career limiting, but at the same time, I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder, even though I can probably finish off my career as a senior manager / director somewhere. But that is neither my desire nor goal, so I am in this little conundrum right now. I need to figure out where this writing skill will take me. This blog may be a start, since I know that there have been other folks who have visited it and have provided kind comments. I tried to write a book several years ago, but it's weird, I don't think I was destined to be a fiction writer, since it felt forced and unnatural. I just don't want to grow into an old man and think, "I wonder whatever would have happened to that writing ability?" The Bible talks about not burying your talents (literally, figuratively and spiritually) - the problem with me is: I don't need to bury them - they are sitting in my hands right now and I just don't know how to proceed. It does feel like I've been walking with them in my hands for years, all the while, I've done other things. You know how that is, if you've ever tried doing something, while you are holding onto something else (sort of like carrying around your last will and testament in your hands, as a result of having no pockets to store it, no safety deposit box - and to be quite frank, you don't know quite what to do with it, but its personal importance cannot be overstated. You wish you can simply put it somewhere so you can go pee, grab at bite at a restaurant, etc. but you're not sure where to put it, so you simply walk around with it while you go about your business. Meanwhile, in doing all your other tasks, you're remembering that you're still carrying around that 50-page document. It's getting annoying after a while, since you don't really want to throw it away; the irritation sets in, as you have to cart it around with you everywhere, and of course, that impairs or hinders your ability to do other things.

I guess that's where I am right now. Trying to figure out what do do with that will, rather than carting it around aimlessly, thinking that I can simply do other things until I figure out what to do with it.