The Sadness of Miscarriage and Losing a Baby

Last Sunday, I had the absolute privilege of being able to be one of the featured speakers during our church's morning service. I was quite nervous, as I normally am when I perform public speaking, and as I spoke on the topic "Overcoming Life's Challenges With God's Strength", I really felt God's presence there with me on the stage and helping alleviate some of my anxiety. I guess it went OK - people seem to be quite blessed and encouraged by the topic, though I give all the credit to God for putting the words in my mouth and helping me to stand in front of all those people. Exodus 4:10-11, which was one of the verses that I cited as proof positive that God can help us overcome our own fears and trepidations, was really seen in action that day in my own life.

While I won't re-hash the entire talk (it's on tape, if you ever want to hear it or if you want me to put it in MP3 format), I did feel led to talk about one topic which has been quite uncomfortable for me to talk about, not because I'm a guy, and guys don't generally talk about these things, but because what happened to us last October still stings. As you can guess from the title of this blog entry, my wife and I lost a baby through an unfortunate miscarriage last Fall. I guess the pain was amplified by the fact that we were trying for years to get pregnant again, and we had a large amount of people prayerfully supporting us. It was a delightful feeling for those few weeks, knowing that I will be a Dad again. But it turns out that it wasn't meant to be.

I did not want to use scientific and medical means to "create" a baby, so we just left it up to God's timing. I tell you, and I'll be happy to tell you again...I don't know why God allowed this to happen to us, particularly since He knows in our hearts how we yearned for more kids, and I believe that my wife and I are pretty good parents, but I am 100% completely confident that God does not work in a vaccuum, and that His timing is better than our timing, so I simply yield to His direction. As such, I have fully come to terms with the fact that what happened to us was not a coincidence or bad luck. I believe that like everything else, God has a purpose for allowing things to happen, even bad things. Even bad things to people who do not deserve them. For centuries, people have been trying to make sense of that question in light of tragedies: "Why Does God Allow Suffering?" That's never been a prominent question in my mind, actually, because if you believe that God is in control at all times, you just have to place your faith in the fact that He does not have tunnel vision - that there is an overall plan. Just like when Isaac gets into trouble or I know he is about to face a hardship, I let him have the experience. I can shield him from it, but he will never build character and perseverance, unless he goes through challenges. I know as a kid, when I went through challenges, I thought that was the end of the world, but that was me thinking of my own situation at that time. My parents knew that there was a larger picture in mind, and would sometimes allow me to get into trouble so that I take responsibility for my actions and learn from it. But sometimes, for no reason at all, they allowed me to go through challenges to simply become a stronger person for it. So, while I don't think there is a cut and dry answer for why God allows suffering, I do know that it may be for reasons which we may not be meant to understand either. Look at the suffering of Job - I still don't understand EXACTLY why it was allowed to happen to him. I know the end result and he was blessed many fold. At the same time, I don't think the existence of suffering should indicate that God is some proverbial sadist either. Remember, we all live in a sinful world, we are all sinful by nature (Romans 3:10, 3:23). Sometimes, the sin has a direct effect on suffering. Sometimes, the sin has a indirect (collateral) effect. Sometimes, it is a collateral domino effect (ie. as an very indirect consequence of someone's actions, past or present, something bad happened). Sometimes, we don't know the exact reason.

It has been tough to "get over" the miscarriage, and I doubt that I ever will, but we're doing OK. Several recent reminders, however, bring it all back to a degree. The first is the wonderful little dwarf lilac bush that we planted in memory of our little one. Since November, through the winter, this little lilac tree sat there by itself, in the cold, supported by wooden poles, being blown about by the wind and the elements. Just recently, with the warmer weather, it started to bloom and bud. Our baby was due next month (June 12), and I imagine that it will be a somber time in our household that day. But the dwarf lilac tree, while it will never replace the baby, is a great reminder of life and that there are always more beautiful times ahead, after winter.

The other recent event that reminded us of our experience last y ear was recently finding out that my sister's expecting again. I am tremendously happy for her and look forward to the new addition to the family. But in a sense, I am a bit sad for my wife and I, in that it seems like everyone we know is able to have a second child, so why can't we? There are so many babies in the world who are born to teenage mothers who don't want them, babies who are abandoned, and sadly, the greatest tragedy, babies who are aborted needlessly because a woman feels she has the right to terminate another life at will. Babies are also born to people who drink, smoke, do drugs, and abuse their bodies in other ways. I just don't get it sometimes.

All that being said, I can tell you that I never once questioned God's sovereignty on this. I struggle with understanding the purpose or reason why our prayers for another child are on hold right now or may never even come to fruition - as I mentioned in my talk to the church, I am not mad at God in the least - I have really been just leaning on His strength throughout this whole ordeal and know in my heart that He has shown His goodness to us in ways I cannot imagine. Even in the past, when there were times I wondered whether He knew what He was doing, along comes an incident where all the puzzle pieces fall into place and I feel so dumb and admit, "OK, God, I don't know what I was thinking doubting Your hand on our lives. He has provided for us in times where we did not know where the money will come from. He has blessed us with a wonderful little boy, He continues to guard me in an ever-increasing volatile role that is my job, and He astonishes us by putting just the right circumstances and people in the right places and situations which affirms His omnipotent nature. I know God exists - I have seen His working in our lives and comforting us when we are sad. He saved me 16 years ago from a life that would only lead to destruction. So, I have learned that it makes no sense questioning God's decisions.

What I have a hard time is trying to understand, from my very finite mind, the purposes behind such things. It was just a really weird time - we lost the baby last October and then the same day, to add insult to injury, I get a totally unnecessary parking ticket at the hospital (I thought that my parking pass had expired, so I parked (illegally) elsewhere, but I found out that it hadn't so I got that ticket for nothing). I remember after finding out what we had lost our baby, I went to the car, and was balling, only to find the parking ticket on my window, at which point I started laughing uncontrollably. That really put into perspective how sometimes we get upset and angry over trite little things like parking tickets - in the whole scheme of things, it's just a little smidgen, if that.

Almost nine months later, I have come to a much better appreciation of the frailty of life. You really never know what will happen and when. We can be gone in an instant, which is why I chuckle hysterically when I hear of women standing in line recently in the U.K., waiting all night for the Boots Drug Stores to open, so they can buy the latest anti-aging cream. As if they think they will be able to prolong their lives by putting on a cream. The experience has also strengthened my already strong position against abortion. I really, really do not understand why abortion is legal in today's day and age (in cases of incest or rape or where the mother's health is at risk, I can understand better, but still, there are options such as giving the child up for adoption if possible). How some women (and men) can make such a generally selfish decision towards killing an unborn child, who has no voice - that just floors me. After losing a child by circumstances which were not caused by us (my wife does not drink alcohol or caffeine during the short pregnancy, we were not engaged in high risk behaviour, we don't smoke, don't do drugs, etc.), I am absolutely appalled that people will willingly toss their babies aside like yesterday's stale donuts. It's just very sad.

I have also come to a greater appreciation of people who are unable to have kids (we're talking unable, not unwilling). I have thought for a while that perhaps God allowed this to happen to us so that we can minister to someone else who will experience the same loss in the future. I am 34 and not "old" by any stretch of the imagination and we still have a number of years to "get pregnant" but you know, I am also prepared for the fact that if we don't have another child, I am so happy that we were able to have our son. Oftentimes, I don't spend enough time counting the blessings that I do already have.

I have learned not to let my circumstances dictate my thinking - that way, my thoughts and views permeate through my situation, but are not governed by them. I remember us going to church 3 weeks later and just seeing babies everywhere. That was very hard for us to handle. But now I think, I cannot think this way, that "how come everyone has another baby but I don't?" We don't know what is going on in those families, or whether those babies will present health or other challenges on their own? I can't sit there and compare myself to anyone else. That's probably the worst thing anyone can do, particularly as a Christian who strives to simply trusting that God knows what He's doing, not as a Christian who strives to have God do our bidding.

I ended the talk that I gave last Sunday with Phillippians 4: 11-13. It is worth sharing with you.

"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."