I have read many books on pornography addiction, generally the books are in a "highly recommended" pile or a "not worth your time or money pile". This one would be in the second pile. While I applaud the author for tackling a taboo topic, and from a Christian perspective, I found the book lacked great effectiveness in how it was presented/formatted, as well as the author's generalized comments which did not allow a deeper dig into the topic.
First, the format. I hated how the book was set up like a devotional, with each topic being a page or a page-and-a-half in length, followed by 3 or 4 reflection questions and a Bible verse. Nothing wrong with this in and of itself, but for a book on overcoming pornography, this was a very, very poor way to present the material. One could never dig deeper and get more insight on a topic, since it was pretty much glossed over by the author in general terms. Plus, some of the Bible verses (which were only included in the appendix, which later found out) and not on the page itself, were iffy at best, in terms of its connection to the topic at hand. That is the problem with plucking a verse from here and there - the context is not known, and it makes for sloppy Scripture use.
Second, I really did not learn anything new in this book, aside from a few good points about post-addiction living. Most of what he said can be gleaned pretty easily from common sense; but what I really did not like was how some of his comments seemed trite and not recognizing that pornography addiction has some complexity. When the author makes remarks such as "you must simply stop now!" or "if you are tempted, walk away from your computer", those are not helpful. Most men struggle with pornography and it is not that easy to just quit cold turkey. Also, his recurring comments about wives having a sixth sense, etc., get old and tiring pretty fast. He also tends to take a point (which is debatable) and then proceed to flush it out as if there's no other side.
I had a hard time getting past two two areas of weakness in the book. The book actually did not take that long to read, based on how much white space was left due to its format. I gave this book two stars only because I appreciated a Christian attempt to write a book to address this - I just didn't find it very helpful.
Personally, if you are looking for good, solid Christian books that will help you address the issue of pornography addiction, consider Steven Arterburn's "Every Man's Battle" (there's another co-author I don't recall at this moment) for a practical step-by-step process (and he uses Scripture too, but much more appropriately), and also Harry Schuamberg's "False Intimacy" (this deals with more of what goes on in the spiritual sense - very good book). For a secular step-by-step book which I find very helpful as well, consider "The Porn Trap" by Larry and Wendy Maltz.
Showing posts with label porn addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn addiction. Show all posts
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Book Review: Porn Nation - Michael Leahy
It is not often that a book that I buy on a lark, speaks to me on so many levels. Michael Leahy's "Porn Nation" is a huge exception. I purchased this book through a Christian bookstore closing last year, at a discounted price. Even if it wasn't discounted, I would have purchased it anyway, since the topic would have intrigued me, due to my past issues with what I would describe as pornography addiction (truth be told, I believe no one is truly ever healed from such addictions, but rather they are controlled. Still, it is a topic that has personal interest and application to me. I read heavily (and I mean heavily) and tend to use a bit of discernment in what books I buy (since I am not independently wealthy, but also don't want to read foolishness or stupidity - there are a lot of books out there, Christian and non-Christian, which fall in the previously mentioned categories), so for me to be recommending any book, you will have to know that it has passed my personal standards for quality in content, writing, subject matter, etc. (I realize that this is subjective from person to person, but as I read a lot, I tend to be more discriminating than most).
While this is meant to be a short review (and I mean short), I want to summarize the book as consisely as possible, yet not give away key points and illustrations, since it would be far better if you were to read it for yourself.
I have no idea if this is officially a "Christian" book or not. Sure, I got it at the Christian bookstore, but after reading it, I can say that don't expect too much theology out of it. If you are looking for an exhaustive study of lust from a Biblical viewpoint, you are out of luck. There are other books like that, that I can recommend (and also some that I would recommend you avoid). But in this realm of porn and lust addiction, there are only a small handful of books that I would recommend. One is "Every Man's Battle" by Arterburn and Stoeker (forget their first names, I think Arterburn is Steve). Another is Michael Leahy's "Porn Nation".
So why do I like this book so much? First, he shares his personal story, which is quite remarkable and extremely sad at the same time, and he does so without beating around the bush. So often, Christian books tend to tackle the topic of porn addiction with kid gloves, oftentimes dancing around the subject and injecting Bible passages (some of which are out of context) to pad the book. Authors tend to really draw a vague picture of a situation and let you form your own conclusions as to what he meant (I say he, as most porn addicts are men). Leahy does not do this, but really opens himself up to share his thoughts and feelings about his past experiences with porn, how he got into it, and how it ruined his life, his family and set him on a course that was leading to suicide. The reader really feels for him, as he describes how he tried to hide his addiction, lie about it and cover it up.
What really struck me was that he included his ex-wife's diary entries in which she poured her heart out in how his addictions and his affairs were just ruining their marriage and their family. I cried as I read these chapters, recognizing that it can just as easily have been me (or any one of you) in his shoes. He does not paint himself to be a saint nor does he have any heroic stories to share, but what he writes is a powerful incentive to anyone who does not think that ingesting pornography is not destructive. I remember reading the chapters (by the way, I read his book in pretty much one sitting, which is very rare for me, since I have a short attention span - I usually take weeks and maybe months to go through a book, oftentimes writing notes it in and critiquing it from various language, grammar and structure perspectives) and thinking to myself that this is a stark reminder of the personal toll that it can have on a person and their families. And I am reminded and am glad that I am not willing to do such a thing to my own family - I just love them way too much. But I do know that this is a temptation, and a constant one, for most men; most times, no one simply talks about it.
I like the fact that in the crux of the book, he is not offering any instant overnight solutions. He does give some very practical solutions, but it is up to the addict to follow them. And he does share a spiritual component that was key to his continued recovery. He now goes on college campuses and does a traveling debate series with porn legend Ron Jeremy, sharing his story and countering Jeremy's claim that porn is acceptable and will not hurt anyone.
The book is written in a very easy-to-read fashion. It is not easily to read, but the concepts run deep; it is spiritual, but not preachy. While I wouldn't say that his story has a happy ending per se, it ends more optimistically than it began (which I think is also more realistic than the books which claim that porn addicts can be instantly healed). The realness of the book really makes it stand out from all others on this topic. It is in this vein that I would give this book my highest recommendation, particularly to those men out there who have gone through such addictions. It is not only a worthwhile read, but it is an encouraging one as well.
While this is meant to be a short review (and I mean short), I want to summarize the book as consisely as possible, yet not give away key points and illustrations, since it would be far better if you were to read it for yourself.
I have no idea if this is officially a "Christian" book or not. Sure, I got it at the Christian bookstore, but after reading it, I can say that don't expect too much theology out of it. If you are looking for an exhaustive study of lust from a Biblical viewpoint, you are out of luck. There are other books like that, that I can recommend (and also some that I would recommend you avoid). But in this realm of porn and lust addiction, there are only a small handful of books that I would recommend. One is "Every Man's Battle" by Arterburn and Stoeker (forget their first names, I think Arterburn is Steve). Another is Michael Leahy's "Porn Nation".
So why do I like this book so much? First, he shares his personal story, which is quite remarkable and extremely sad at the same time, and he does so without beating around the bush. So often, Christian books tend to tackle the topic of porn addiction with kid gloves, oftentimes dancing around the subject and injecting Bible passages (some of which are out of context) to pad the book. Authors tend to really draw a vague picture of a situation and let you form your own conclusions as to what he meant (I say he, as most porn addicts are men). Leahy does not do this, but really opens himself up to share his thoughts and feelings about his past experiences with porn, how he got into it, and how it ruined his life, his family and set him on a course that was leading to suicide. The reader really feels for him, as he describes how he tried to hide his addiction, lie about it and cover it up.
What really struck me was that he included his ex-wife's diary entries in which she poured her heart out in how his addictions and his affairs were just ruining their marriage and their family. I cried as I read these chapters, recognizing that it can just as easily have been me (or any one of you) in his shoes. He does not paint himself to be a saint nor does he have any heroic stories to share, but what he writes is a powerful incentive to anyone who does not think that ingesting pornography is not destructive. I remember reading the chapters (by the way, I read his book in pretty much one sitting, which is very rare for me, since I have a short attention span - I usually take weeks and maybe months to go through a book, oftentimes writing notes it in and critiquing it from various language, grammar and structure perspectives) and thinking to myself that this is a stark reminder of the personal toll that it can have on a person and their families. And I am reminded and am glad that I am not willing to do such a thing to my own family - I just love them way too much. But I do know that this is a temptation, and a constant one, for most men; most times, no one simply talks about it.
I like the fact that in the crux of the book, he is not offering any instant overnight solutions. He does give some very practical solutions, but it is up to the addict to follow them. And he does share a spiritual component that was key to his continued recovery. He now goes on college campuses and does a traveling debate series with porn legend Ron Jeremy, sharing his story and countering Jeremy's claim that porn is acceptable and will not hurt anyone.
The book is written in a very easy-to-read fashion. It is not easily to read, but the concepts run deep; it is spiritual, but not preachy. While I wouldn't say that his story has a happy ending per se, it ends more optimistically than it began (which I think is also more realistic than the books which claim that porn addicts can be instantly healed). The realness of the book really makes it stand out from all others on this topic. It is in this vein that I would give this book my highest recommendation, particularly to those men out there who have gone through such addictions. It is not only a worthwhile read, but it is an encouraging one as well.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Book Review: The War Within, By Robert Daniels
I generally try to give a book its due, whether it be in the area of praise or constructive criticism. Seldom do I find a book that I really did not like from cover to cover. This is one of those books, and I suppose it is especially distressing to me that I have to give a thumbs down to a Christian book, but hey, even Christian books are susceptible to lousy writing, poor idea formulation and just sheer cheesiness.
In this case, while I appreciate the author, Mr. Daniels, sharing some of his struggles with sexual purity, I think he ended up really writing a book about nothing. There are much better choices out there (such as Every Man's Battle - I got mine from Focus on the Family, though you can probably find it cheaper at Chapters...I recently got the N.T. Wright "Gospel for Everyone Series" for 34% off the retail price via the Chapters website).
First, my biggest beef with this book is that he really doesn't say anything new. Much of what he says can be gleaned from Scripture without much theological interpretation or exhaustive exegetical study. Of course, he commits the common Christian book faux-pas of using massive amounts of Scripture under the guise of citation, whereas I suspect he is simply using the Word is filler for his book. Some of the passages have little to no correlation to the point he is trying to make.
Another beef I have is his constant references to his time onboard a ship. OK, I get it, he likes ships and being part of a crew, but to everyone else who has neither the experience nor the interest (or both), this reader was particularly lost in his endless ship and naval analogies, and your humble reviewer found myself interrupting his wife, as she was reading what surely would have been a better book.
The author also speaks in a lot of generalities without getting very specific in terms of some of the subsequent struggles in embarking on a quest to become sexually pure. As a porn dealer before I became saved, I can tell you that sexual temptation will always be there, even after you get married. I've talked with enough married guys to know that this ongoing struggle will likely be life-long - the issue is far more complex than Daniels makes it out to be. He seems to have a touchy-feely type of Christianese solution, which is great, except that Scripture talks about ongoing struggle and temptation. Perhaps the book could not have ended on such a note, but I think it's more realistic this way. I certainly don't want to suggest that God cannot miraculously heal one of past purity issues, but I think that this may be one of those "thorn in the flesh" type of issues that are with men for life, and as such it makes it so much more important for us men to acknowledge our weaknesses and failings to God, ask for His forgiveness, and rely on His strength going forward. I don't think there's any easy multi-step solution here.
Honestly, there's not a lot of good things I can say about this book. Even the Eros Defiled/Eros Redeemed series, though simplistic, would be better suited to handle such a delicate topic.
In this case, while I appreciate the author, Mr. Daniels, sharing some of his struggles with sexual purity, I think he ended up really writing a book about nothing. There are much better choices out there (such as Every Man's Battle - I got mine from Focus on the Family, though you can probably find it cheaper at Chapters...I recently got the N.T. Wright "Gospel for Everyone Series" for 34% off the retail price via the Chapters website).
First, my biggest beef with this book is that he really doesn't say anything new. Much of what he says can be gleaned from Scripture without much theological interpretation or exhaustive exegetical study. Of course, he commits the common Christian book faux-pas of using massive amounts of Scripture under the guise of citation, whereas I suspect he is simply using the Word is filler for his book. Some of the passages have little to no correlation to the point he is trying to make.
Another beef I have is his constant references to his time onboard a ship. OK, I get it, he likes ships and being part of a crew, but to everyone else who has neither the experience nor the interest (or both), this reader was particularly lost in his endless ship and naval analogies, and your humble reviewer found myself interrupting his wife, as she was reading what surely would have been a better book.
The author also speaks in a lot of generalities without getting very specific in terms of some of the subsequent struggles in embarking on a quest to become sexually pure. As a porn dealer before I became saved, I can tell you that sexual temptation will always be there, even after you get married. I've talked with enough married guys to know that this ongoing struggle will likely be life-long - the issue is far more complex than Daniels makes it out to be. He seems to have a touchy-feely type of Christianese solution, which is great, except that Scripture talks about ongoing struggle and temptation. Perhaps the book could not have ended on such a note, but I think it's more realistic this way. I certainly don't want to suggest that God cannot miraculously heal one of past purity issues, but I think that this may be one of those "thorn in the flesh" type of issues that are with men for life, and as such it makes it so much more important for us men to acknowledge our weaknesses and failings to God, ask for His forgiveness, and rely on His strength going forward. I don't think there's any easy multi-step solution here.
Honestly, there's not a lot of good things I can say about this book. Even the Eros Defiled/Eros Redeemed series, though simplistic, would be better suited to handle such a delicate topic.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Pornography or Porn Addiction - FOR MEN ONLY
Sorry ladies. This single blog entry that you are reading - I am writing as a man, for other men. There will probably be things that women will not understand here, so please, no questions from anyone other than men here. Of course, all my other blog entries are unisex, so lots of choices for the estrogen set amongst us.
OK, where to begin with this one. I guess I can start by explaining why on earth I have chosen such a strange topic to discuss, and why I am targeting men only. I would think that the answer is obvious, but perhaps it is not. It is my belief, and I believe that somehow, this can be substantiated by statistics of some sort, that the vast majority of pornography consumers are men. OK, there are always exceptions and that while I am sure that there are more than a few women who have a growing collection of porn, I think they are in the minority.
I am also targeting this towards men because I know that they can relate to what I'm saying here (at least with the struggle itself, although perhaps not with my conclusions). If you can't relate in any degree to this topic, I think you either have your head in the sand in denial, or you are vision-impaired. My hope here is to give men some semblance of encouragement and by reading this, they will know that they are not alone in their struggle with porn. Specifically, I am targeting Christian men, whose struggle would be more pronounced.
I have some other observations which you will not find anywhere else, since it comes from personal observation from my opinionated self. It is my belief that the reason why so many Asian men who are either born or primarily raised in North America are attracted to Caucasian females is because it is mostly Caucasian females that they see in porn. If you think otherwise, contact me and I'll be happy to discuss with you.
I need to warn you at the outset that while I am not going to get into any explicit descriptions on anything or engage in any visuals with words, this probably is something that you don't want to read with kids around, or at work.
I've had people with whom I have spoken with about this topic question whether this is a struggle at all. One person told me that I was "weak" because I need to take certain evasive actions to make sure I am not in certain places at certain times (like on the beach in the middle of the summer, or at a Hooter's restaurant). I concurred with him - yes, I don't trust myself and yes, it sucks that I can't go to certain places. You know why? Scandily clad women - not good for my brain, especially given my past with extensive exposure to all sorts of porn. That's how it's going to be like now, and that's how it's going to be like for the rest of my life. Now, people have also used the argument that "hey, you're just looking, it's not like you're touching." That is technically true, but let's consider that argument. How many people have had affairs that have not started gradually with a glance? Let's face it, men are vision-oriented, which is why we like the "look" of things - the new technological gadget, the new sports car, the new golf clubs, the new house, etc. Women like the look of things as well, but I would dare argue that women are not as sexually stimulated by visuals as men are. For the Christian, the argument is pretty plain and simple. Jesus says in even looking at a woman lustfully is no different than actually committing adultery, since it's done in the heart already (Matthew 6, I believe). The heart is responsible for many of our actions. Let's also consider what I just said above about a gradual progression of lust starting with visual stimulation using a Biblical example: David seeing Bathsheba bathing in public. That started what turned out to be a disastrous turn of events that eventually led to her husband's not-so-accidental death. Even Job, our model of perseverance in tough times, has been cited as saying that he made a covenant with his eyes not to look at a virgin, or young girl, something that has not been the most cited of Scripture verses. Men are indeed visually stimulated, and I don't think there is any doubt about that.
The problem with pornography addiction is that it is seldom seen as a problem, as much as something like a drinking addiction or a gambling addiction or a drug addiction has often been attributed to be. These days, it's almost given borderline comical treatment in that it is very societally pervasive in anything from print to TV to radio to any other medium of communication. Heck, a pizza shop in Winnipeg, I recently heard has started to make the headlines in that it places a large nude photo of a woman inside the pizza box (underneath the pizza). It seems to be a popular mindset that watching porn is something that you do in private that has no direct impact on others, particularly for the unmarried person, even the unmarried Christian believer. Here's where I find the problem to be: 1) you are engaged in fantasy, so the women (the way they look and act) are generally unrealistic. In real life, women (even the closest women like spouses) are not always sexually available to you, especially if you are a father with kids or have the general responsibilities most men have. 2) this is perhaps the most troubling component of pornography - it caters to the ever-increasing human need to not be satisfied with what you have, but want more. In this case, we are talking about a sexual gravitation from basic nudity to hardcore pornography to who knows what else (I don't think I need to say). How many boys started out with looking at bra and bikini photos and then move to softcore porn like Playboy, and eventually to the hardcore stuff? Related is point 3) There has been a proven link between sexually aggressive males who end up committing sexual crimes and their exposure to porn. It is my belief that every male who watches porn, who gravitates to the next level of hard-core-ness, has the propensity to commit a sexual crime if the circumstances were ideal for them to do so (such as they can get away with it, etc.). These points, of course, ignore other important aspects which relate to proper socialization and if you are talking Christian circles, marital fidelity and so forth. 4) Porn is set up for instant gratification. Real life is obviously not like that that. I won't bother mincing words here - the vast majority, if not all men, who watch porn do not watch it like they watch an amazing putt from Tiger Woods on TV. I would contend that most, if not all men, use porn to relieve sexual tension through masturbation (by the way, if you do this while watching golf on television, might I suggest that there are other issues that you may wish to deal with that are beyond the scope of this blog).
Now, here is where my conclusions will draw the ire of many people, and where I will likely differ from most people who look at this issue. I do not believe pornography addiction can be successfully treated to the point where it just goes away and never comes back. I do not believe that it can be cured. It can be controlled, but that's about it. I would liken that to these organizations who claim that former homosexuals have changed to heterosexuals through their program. I don't doubt a person's desire to change, and I don't doubt that they genuinely are able to live a new life. I am not a psychologist or a Christian minister or counsellor, so I'm sure that those folks will take me to task on my view, but as a guy who has had a lot of exposure with pornography, I can tell you that the underlying lustfulness never goes away, and yes, this is even after you get married, and yes, even after you become saved. Thankfully, I have too much love for my wife and son to want to do something that will damage that relationship. The temptation will always be there for men. And as a believer, I am conscious of the fact that pornography is not acceptable to God (Scriptural passages about avoiding and fleeing sexual immorality, etc.) and no believer should think it is harmless. Sexual immorality is discussed frequently in the New Testament because it has always been a problem in the world - always has been, and I will maintain that it will always be.
What about the people who say that they used to be porn addicts for 20 years and they are able to kick the habit just like that and attribute it to the power of God, and in interviews, they say they are clean? Well, I certainly am in no position to judge their hearts; however, practically speaking, let me concede one point - I absolutely believe that God has the power to instantly take away someone's appetite for pornography. I am not, however totally convinced that God always works like this - remember Paul had that "thorn in the flesh" which we don't know what it was? He asked God to take it away and God chose not to? From a total human nature perspective, also consider the overall picture. IF you are a celebrity or on TV, were addicted to porn, and have relied on God to help you overcome it, make a public profession what you were like before, what you are like now, and to what you attribute the change...let's say that you failed one day and were looking at porn again after a few years - then you are on a Billy Graham special when someone asks you how things are going, are you likely going to say, "pretty good, but once in a while I give into temptation?" Although that's an honest and sincere answer, you're unlikely to hear it in Christian circles. That's why my position is never that you can totally get away from it. You have to constantly have your guard up and yield to God to help you to overcome the addiction - as I believe that He is the only One who can intervene - and I'm not just saying that - I truly believe it.
Still, I take the best precautions that I am able, since God did give me a brain and some common sense to boot. I already mention that I avoid certain places, but that's not where the battle lies. The battle lies in making sure that you don't get in a sitaution where something seems very innocent and you let your guard down. There are TV shows that I avoid since I know that there are probably suggestive enough themes, and as a general rule, I rent movies rather than go to the theatre - at least I can turn it off if it's crap, and not waste as much money). I generally make it a point not to hang around other men (and yes, even other Christians) who have no problem making not overtly sexual, but innuendo-laced comments about women's looks - ie. watching a beach volleyball game or watching a bunch of girls walking by and commenting on them in ways that is probably borderline sexual. It's just not good for me. However the biggest temptation for me (and I would think for many men) is the internet, particularly the privacy and lack of trails that come with it. As an IT guy who is very well versed in technology, I can tell you that if you have a porn addiction that you want to abandon, here are things that I feel DO NOT work (just my opinion), and I will go to my grave arguing that if you are using these things, you are fighting a losing battle.
Killing/disabling your internet access. This is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. Guess what will happen? Your appetite will only build and then you will either re-instate it, or go elsewhere for your pornography fix. I've talked with too many men who have tried this...and tried this...
Similarly, using self-imposed software tools is absolutely ridiculous. If you know how to install it, you can probably figure out how to uninstall it, and if you don't know how, or are restricted by some password that you get your spouse or significant other to set, you'll do your research if you want it bad enough and find a way around it. These types of software are good for restricting minors and kids (who I don't even think should be using the internet to begin with) from accidentally accessing objectionable material, but for the porn addict wanting to get off the porn bandwagon, it's a waste of time.
Cold turkey does not work - promising yourself that you will not look at porn is effective - until you fail and make another promise once again as a result.
Despite what is mentioned in many Christian publications about using a buddy system for accountability, I don't believe that works. You can always lie to your buddy.
So what works? Here's what I can tell you. Training your eyes. No, that is not the same as cold turkey. When you starve your eyes of things that can potentially give you a boner, what you are doing is deliberately conditioning yourself to turn away and not look at anything that you know will have potential to tempt you. I'm not just talking porn here - I'm talking about avoiding conversation or contact with the female customer at work who wears clothes that accent body parts (if you think I am being stupid here, have you actually attempted to look someone in the face only during conversation while their cleavage is leaking out and jumping out at you? It's almost impossible to do). Or choosing not to spend time with the folks who tell the sexually suggestive jokes. I'm talking about walking on the sidewalk in the summertime with your head down, staring at the pavement. This is very hard to do, trust me, but it is effective. The pressure to look will be intense, and yes, you may even have friends that think that you are gay. The best thing this will do is offer consistency in ensuring that you get into the habit of not looking. I'm not talking willing yourself not to look, simply forming a regular habit of admitting where you are most vulnerable and taking steps to counter it by not glancing in the first place. After a while, it will get easier. You may not always be successful, but it's the first important step to take. For the Christian, I would also augment that with lots of prayer (I know, people will laugh at me but I can attest first-hand the power of prayer and the fact that it does work). Pray at points when you are tempted - other Christian guys I know have done this and say it works better than you may think.
The Bible addresses temptation in something like 1 Corinthians 10:13 (I believe) where it says God does not tempt us, but that no temptation has seized us except what is common to man. And that God is faithful and if we flee or run away from it, God will put a cover above us. More importantly, God knows our limits and what we can bear in terms of temptation (that is a gross paraphrase, but it's the main points).
For the internet issues - if you are going to spend a lot of time on the internet, you need to find something to keep you busy, almost displacing your time in between doing the things that you need to do. It is no secret that I spent copious amounts of time on eBay and craigslist, making money selling stuff. But being on the internet a lot has its temptations, so instead of deliberately having dead time in between eBay or craigslist sales, I do a lot of writing as you can tell. Stuff like this blog is good to get my natural skills and talents honed, but it also keeps me busy doing something productive so I'm not sitting around searching for porn. I also participate in discussion groups and forums - I do find the internet very handy, but I just need to constantly be aware of my surroundings. I also find that being a computer geek, giving up using the computer and using the internet is completely unrealistic for me, so I play a lot of computer video games (think what you will about video games, but I'd rather have my kid playing fun video games anyday, rather than looking for porn - and yes, I realize some video games have objectionable material, but I'm not talking about those games).
In the end, I think that just like any other issue with which one struggles, it ultimately comes down to how much one wants to change, if they feel that a change is needed. I can tell you firsthand that this is not a problem without consequences and this is not a problem without lingering after-effects. It has the potential to ruin relationships and marriages and friendships, and that's hardly something I would consider innocent.
OK, where to begin with this one. I guess I can start by explaining why on earth I have chosen such a strange topic to discuss, and why I am targeting men only. I would think that the answer is obvious, but perhaps it is not. It is my belief, and I believe that somehow, this can be substantiated by statistics of some sort, that the vast majority of pornography consumers are men. OK, there are always exceptions and that while I am sure that there are more than a few women who have a growing collection of porn, I think they are in the minority.
I am also targeting this towards men because I know that they can relate to what I'm saying here (at least with the struggle itself, although perhaps not with my conclusions). If you can't relate in any degree to this topic, I think you either have your head in the sand in denial, or you are vision-impaired. My hope here is to give men some semblance of encouragement and by reading this, they will know that they are not alone in their struggle with porn. Specifically, I am targeting Christian men, whose struggle would be more pronounced.
I have some other observations which you will not find anywhere else, since it comes from personal observation from my opinionated self. It is my belief that the reason why so many Asian men who are either born or primarily raised in North America are attracted to Caucasian females is because it is mostly Caucasian females that they see in porn. If you think otherwise, contact me and I'll be happy to discuss with you.
I need to warn you at the outset that while I am not going to get into any explicit descriptions on anything or engage in any visuals with words, this probably is something that you don't want to read with kids around, or at work.
I've had people with whom I have spoken with about this topic question whether this is a struggle at all. One person told me that I was "weak" because I need to take certain evasive actions to make sure I am not in certain places at certain times (like on the beach in the middle of the summer, or at a Hooter's restaurant). I concurred with him - yes, I don't trust myself and yes, it sucks that I can't go to certain places. You know why? Scandily clad women - not good for my brain, especially given my past with extensive exposure to all sorts of porn. That's how it's going to be like now, and that's how it's going to be like for the rest of my life. Now, people have also used the argument that "hey, you're just looking, it's not like you're touching." That is technically true, but let's consider that argument. How many people have had affairs that have not started gradually with a glance? Let's face it, men are vision-oriented, which is why we like the "look" of things - the new technological gadget, the new sports car, the new golf clubs, the new house, etc. Women like the look of things as well, but I would dare argue that women are not as sexually stimulated by visuals as men are. For the Christian, the argument is pretty plain and simple. Jesus says in even looking at a woman lustfully is no different than actually committing adultery, since it's done in the heart already (Matthew 6, I believe). The heart is responsible for many of our actions. Let's also consider what I just said above about a gradual progression of lust starting with visual stimulation using a Biblical example: David seeing Bathsheba bathing in public. That started what turned out to be a disastrous turn of events that eventually led to her husband's not-so-accidental death. Even Job, our model of perseverance in tough times, has been cited as saying that he made a covenant with his eyes not to look at a virgin, or young girl, something that has not been the most cited of Scripture verses. Men are indeed visually stimulated, and I don't think there is any doubt about that.
The problem with pornography addiction is that it is seldom seen as a problem, as much as something like a drinking addiction or a gambling addiction or a drug addiction has often been attributed to be. These days, it's almost given borderline comical treatment in that it is very societally pervasive in anything from print to TV to radio to any other medium of communication. Heck, a pizza shop in Winnipeg, I recently heard has started to make the headlines in that it places a large nude photo of a woman inside the pizza box (underneath the pizza). It seems to be a popular mindset that watching porn is something that you do in private that has no direct impact on others, particularly for the unmarried person, even the unmarried Christian believer. Here's where I find the problem to be: 1) you are engaged in fantasy, so the women (the way they look and act) are generally unrealistic. In real life, women (even the closest women like spouses) are not always sexually available to you, especially if you are a father with kids or have the general responsibilities most men have. 2) this is perhaps the most troubling component of pornography - it caters to the ever-increasing human need to not be satisfied with what you have, but want more. In this case, we are talking about a sexual gravitation from basic nudity to hardcore pornography to who knows what else (I don't think I need to say). How many boys started out with looking at bra and bikini photos and then move to softcore porn like Playboy, and eventually to the hardcore stuff? Related is point 3) There has been a proven link between sexually aggressive males who end up committing sexual crimes and their exposure to porn. It is my belief that every male who watches porn, who gravitates to the next level of hard-core-ness, has the propensity to commit a sexual crime if the circumstances were ideal for them to do so (such as they can get away with it, etc.). These points, of course, ignore other important aspects which relate to proper socialization and if you are talking Christian circles, marital fidelity and so forth. 4) Porn is set up for instant gratification. Real life is obviously not like that that. I won't bother mincing words here - the vast majority, if not all men, who watch porn do not watch it like they watch an amazing putt from Tiger Woods on TV. I would contend that most, if not all men, use porn to relieve sexual tension through masturbation (by the way, if you do this while watching golf on television, might I suggest that there are other issues that you may wish to deal with that are beyond the scope of this blog).
Now, here is where my conclusions will draw the ire of many people, and where I will likely differ from most people who look at this issue. I do not believe pornography addiction can be successfully treated to the point where it just goes away and never comes back. I do not believe that it can be cured. It can be controlled, but that's about it. I would liken that to these organizations who claim that former homosexuals have changed to heterosexuals through their program. I don't doubt a person's desire to change, and I don't doubt that they genuinely are able to live a new life. I am not a psychologist or a Christian minister or counsellor, so I'm sure that those folks will take me to task on my view, but as a guy who has had a lot of exposure with pornography, I can tell you that the underlying lustfulness never goes away, and yes, this is even after you get married, and yes, even after you become saved. Thankfully, I have too much love for my wife and son to want to do something that will damage that relationship. The temptation will always be there for men. And as a believer, I am conscious of the fact that pornography is not acceptable to God (Scriptural passages about avoiding and fleeing sexual immorality, etc.) and no believer should think it is harmless. Sexual immorality is discussed frequently in the New Testament because it has always been a problem in the world - always has been, and I will maintain that it will always be.
What about the people who say that they used to be porn addicts for 20 years and they are able to kick the habit just like that and attribute it to the power of God, and in interviews, they say they are clean? Well, I certainly am in no position to judge their hearts; however, practically speaking, let me concede one point - I absolutely believe that God has the power to instantly take away someone's appetite for pornography. I am not, however totally convinced that God always works like this - remember Paul had that "thorn in the flesh" which we don't know what it was? He asked God to take it away and God chose not to? From a total human nature perspective, also consider the overall picture. IF you are a celebrity or on TV, were addicted to porn, and have relied on God to help you overcome it, make a public profession what you were like before, what you are like now, and to what you attribute the change...let's say that you failed one day and were looking at porn again after a few years - then you are on a Billy Graham special when someone asks you how things are going, are you likely going to say, "pretty good, but once in a while I give into temptation?" Although that's an honest and sincere answer, you're unlikely to hear it in Christian circles. That's why my position is never that you can totally get away from it. You have to constantly have your guard up and yield to God to help you to overcome the addiction - as I believe that He is the only One who can intervene - and I'm not just saying that - I truly believe it.
Still, I take the best precautions that I am able, since God did give me a brain and some common sense to boot. I already mention that I avoid certain places, but that's not where the battle lies. The battle lies in making sure that you don't get in a sitaution where something seems very innocent and you let your guard down. There are TV shows that I avoid since I know that there are probably suggestive enough themes, and as a general rule, I rent movies rather than go to the theatre - at least I can turn it off if it's crap, and not waste as much money). I generally make it a point not to hang around other men (and yes, even other Christians) who have no problem making not overtly sexual, but innuendo-laced comments about women's looks - ie. watching a beach volleyball game or watching a bunch of girls walking by and commenting on them in ways that is probably borderline sexual. It's just not good for me. However the biggest temptation for me (and I would think for many men) is the internet, particularly the privacy and lack of trails that come with it. As an IT guy who is very well versed in technology, I can tell you that if you have a porn addiction that you want to abandon, here are things that I feel DO NOT work (just my opinion), and I will go to my grave arguing that if you are using these things, you are fighting a losing battle.
Killing/disabling your internet access. This is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. Guess what will happen? Your appetite will only build and then you will either re-instate it, or go elsewhere for your pornography fix. I've talked with too many men who have tried this...and tried this...
Similarly, using self-imposed software tools is absolutely ridiculous. If you know how to install it, you can probably figure out how to uninstall it, and if you don't know how, or are restricted by some password that you get your spouse or significant other to set, you'll do your research if you want it bad enough and find a way around it. These types of software are good for restricting minors and kids (who I don't even think should be using the internet to begin with) from accidentally accessing objectionable material, but for the porn addict wanting to get off the porn bandwagon, it's a waste of time.
Cold turkey does not work - promising yourself that you will not look at porn is effective - until you fail and make another promise once again as a result.
Despite what is mentioned in many Christian publications about using a buddy system for accountability, I don't believe that works. You can always lie to your buddy.
So what works? Here's what I can tell you. Training your eyes. No, that is not the same as cold turkey. When you starve your eyes of things that can potentially give you a boner, what you are doing is deliberately conditioning yourself to turn away and not look at anything that you know will have potential to tempt you. I'm not just talking porn here - I'm talking about avoiding conversation or contact with the female customer at work who wears clothes that accent body parts (if you think I am being stupid here, have you actually attempted to look someone in the face only during conversation while their cleavage is leaking out and jumping out at you? It's almost impossible to do). Or choosing not to spend time with the folks who tell the sexually suggestive jokes. I'm talking about walking on the sidewalk in the summertime with your head down, staring at the pavement. This is very hard to do, trust me, but it is effective. The pressure to look will be intense, and yes, you may even have friends that think that you are gay. The best thing this will do is offer consistency in ensuring that you get into the habit of not looking. I'm not talking willing yourself not to look, simply forming a regular habit of admitting where you are most vulnerable and taking steps to counter it by not glancing in the first place. After a while, it will get easier. You may not always be successful, but it's the first important step to take. For the Christian, I would also augment that with lots of prayer (I know, people will laugh at me but I can attest first-hand the power of prayer and the fact that it does work). Pray at points when you are tempted - other Christian guys I know have done this and say it works better than you may think.
The Bible addresses temptation in something like 1 Corinthians 10:13 (I believe) where it says God does not tempt us, but that no temptation has seized us except what is common to man. And that God is faithful and if we flee or run away from it, God will put a cover above us. More importantly, God knows our limits and what we can bear in terms of temptation (that is a gross paraphrase, but it's the main points).
For the internet issues - if you are going to spend a lot of time on the internet, you need to find something to keep you busy, almost displacing your time in between doing the things that you need to do. It is no secret that I spent copious amounts of time on eBay and craigslist, making money selling stuff. But being on the internet a lot has its temptations, so instead of deliberately having dead time in between eBay or craigslist sales, I do a lot of writing as you can tell. Stuff like this blog is good to get my natural skills and talents honed, but it also keeps me busy doing something productive so I'm not sitting around searching for porn. I also participate in discussion groups and forums - I do find the internet very handy, but I just need to constantly be aware of my surroundings. I also find that being a computer geek, giving up using the computer and using the internet is completely unrealistic for me, so I play a lot of computer video games (think what you will about video games, but I'd rather have my kid playing fun video games anyday, rather than looking for porn - and yes, I realize some video games have objectionable material, but I'm not talking about those games).
In the end, I think that just like any other issue with which one struggles, it ultimately comes down to how much one wants to change, if they feel that a change is needed. I can tell you firsthand that this is not a problem without consequences and this is not a problem without lingering after-effects. It has the potential to ruin relationships and marriages and friendships, and that's hardly something I would consider innocent.
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