Well, it is with this post that I am announcing, albeit with only very slightly suppressed enthusiasm, that my wife and I are expecting another little one again. I say with "suppressed enthusiasm", as it was almost a year ago that we were in the same boat. At that point, I was absolutely delighted, and started researching baby books again and planning for the future, etc. However, it wasn't meant to be, and last October, we lost the baby through a miscarriage. If I am honest with myself, I think that it would be a fair statement to say that the miscarriage has weighed on me for the good portion of the past year (if you wish to read more about our experience with the miscarriage, please check my blog entries from the past few months).
This experience has affected me much more than I had anticipated, and while I'm sure some people thought that I should have moved on after some time, the fact of the matter is that it was difficult to do so for some reason. It's ironic that about 2-3 years ago, one of my colleagues at work lost his baby through a miscarriage. He was devastated and took a month off work. My manager at the time allowed him the time off, but seemed to think it was excessive, and in a way, I did as well - after all, who mourns for an unknown baby for that long???). He returned back to "normal" a couple of months later, but for me, I don't think I returned to "normal" until maybe 8 months later. In retrospect, I strongly believe that the reason why I took this so hard and took so long to mourn is because of my inherent belief in the sanctity of life, at any level, including in utero. I have been vociferously against abortion for years, but I've never really figured out why I seem to be so much more passionate about that issue than any of the other hot-topic issues that seem to permeate Christian discussions (like euthanasia, homosexuality, capital punishment, etc.). I really think it has to do with my personal belief that a baby, no matter now small, even a just-created fetus, is a God-created being with a soul. So when my own baby essentially died, it was, for me, was as painful as anyone close to me dying (which thankfully has been very far and few between), but it was truly worse, since it was part of myself and part of my wife dying. Sure, people may say that I did not ever know the child per se, but sorry folks, I don't believe that. I believe that every parent has a spiritual connection to their unborn child, even if it is at a subconscious level. It's hard to explain and put into words. Anyway, I think it also revaled to me that I valued life a lot more than I had ever thought about, particularly innocent life.
This experience has also helped me to be more sensitive to other people's experiences of mourning, since I never know when I will be actually walking in their shoes...
It has definitely been a few challenging years in the family planning department, for us. Part of it had to do with how long we tried to conceive again, thinking that perhaps one or both of us may have been infertile. The caveat in all this is that I am not one of those types who will try to conceive at all costs, or do anything to make pregnancy a reality. Some people may go the medical route with fertility drugs and artificial insemination or surrogate mothering, but from the outset, I told my wife that I wasn't interested in those options (though I certainly don't begrudge those who do), and I was prepared for the fact that we may never get pregnant again. While I do not know why God allowed this to happen to us, I think it's safe to say that my wife and I accepted it for what it was and hopefully one day we will know why it happened to us.
I spent the past 9-10 months or so pondering a lot of this. I stood in front of our church and told our congregation one Sunday morning this past April, that throughout the process, I was never upset or mad at God for what happened. I still believe this. I simply did not understand why it happened, though I have an inkling that God may be preparing us to minister to other couples who have gone through the same thing. But over time, I did develop both acceptance of what occurred, as well as having a peace towards the future, whether it was a future with more kids, or us enjoying the little boy that we already have, who is already such a blessing.
This brings us to a few months ago, when one day, my wife called me to come see her in the bathroom. Judging by the tone of her voice, I suspected that she had taken a pregnancy test. I have known my wife for 15 years this year, and after all that time, I have a pretty good sense of what she's thinking by what she says (or saying it in a less diplomatic way, I have pretty much figured her out and know what she's up to most of the time... :-)). I was right on this one, and as I looked at the + and - lines that indicated pregnancy on that overpriced testing instrument, I let out only a slight smile. She asked, "aren't you excited?" I said, "we'll see" and I went back to doing whatever I was doing (probably writing an entry in this here blog). Honestly, it was a bit surreal at that point, but at the same time, I believe I had unintentionally erected some mental barriers to potentially cushion me in the event we have another miscarriage. To this day, I know those barriers are still there and I have no intention of deliberately removing them. Experiencing a miscarriage has made me a bit cynical about the whole pregnancy process. The apprehension increases as the days wear on, but I have found it has provided me a more balanced outlook on life, and perhaps exposing my fallacy in thinking that I can simply plan out the future, ignoring God's will in the process, which I think I was doing to a large degree last time. The Bible does say to manage each day at a time, as each day has its own troubles (my grossly paraphrased Matthew 6:34).
My wife is around 12 weeks now, and it is only until tonight, that I decided to go back on babycenter.com to register the pregnancy and look up what the baby is doing now, and what we can expect, etc. I am getting excited again, but it is a reserved excitement. I remember last time around, doing all this at 5-6 weeks, and getting into the heavy reading again, simply assuming that it was simply a matter of time until the baby was born, simply like putting your leftovers from dinner last night in the microwave oven, setting the time and expecting a "ding" in a few minutes - simply routine. This time, I was almost in a state of denial until about a week ago, when we told our boy and filmed a video of him announcing the pregnancy, which we have since sent out to family and friends. Of course, holding this good news inside, while we both wanted so badly to tell people, was tremendously difficult, but at the same time, I think it was a wise decision, and we can certainly better appreciate why people usually wait until 12 weeks or 3 months, or whatever, to tell everyone.
Now that I set some context here, by revisiting the past and quickly touching on the present, I'd like to take a bit of time (and I mean a bit, since it's getting pretty late, according to the clock, and I'm starting to fade out a bit here) to discuss the future. Now, you may think that this is counter-intuititive, based on what I had already said, so I should explain. When I mean discussing the future, I don't mean how we will set up a baby room, what names to pick, and what keep-myself-awake exercises I will need to do for a screaming infant who can't sleep at night. Of course, all those things are fun to think about, but I not thinking in that vein right now. What I am thinking about is what kind of father will I be the second time? Would I change anything from the first time? Would my wife change anything this time around? If it is a girl, how would I relate? (honestly, this has been an interesting one, since my son and I do a lot - and I mean a LOT of what has been traditionally considered father-son activities. I have no idea what adjustments I'll have to make if we have a girl - I'm sure my wife will be delighted though, since I'm sure she's getting tired with the ever-increasing levels of testosterone that my son and I bring to the kitchen table every night).
In the meantime, I am ultra-sensitive to anything my wife is experiencing these days - she says that she is sore and I respond lightning-quick, "where??", and I proceed to mentally catalog all of our medical emergency numbers in case I need to place a call right away. She will call me to the bathroom and say, "come see this", and I think, "uh-oh...blood", when all she wanted to show me was the fact that I can't seem to aim my clothes into the laundry hamper. She will tell me that she needs to lie down, and I am thinking , "is this bad?" My son would brush up against her belly as he walked by and I'd tear a strip out of him for the accidental nudge. Yes folks, I am on edge...just a slight bit.
However, at the same time, there is no other feeling in the world like this. Knowing that God is crafting up another little child for us to take care of really brings me a lot of joy (since I found out we are expecting again, I have almost always referred to this child as baby #3). I am sure I speak on behalf of my wife when I say that we would absolutely appreciate your prayers as we go through this exciting, albeit nervous time. Thanks for reading all this.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Solemn Day Tomorrow - June 12, 2007
Tomorrow is the day that our baby was due, the baby that we lost last fall.
This morning, as I participated in a Christians-in-the-Workplace prayer meeting with other colleagues who are believers, I asked for prayer for our own situation, how we are still yearning for another child, if that is God's Will. At this point, we're still trying and there is still a lot of time left. I am not interested in scientific and medical means to create a child, so at this point we are simply yielding to God's timing. It's tough, though...just waiting. Meanwhile, it seems that all around us, people are pregnant, left, right and center. But I have to not think like that - I just need to trust that God will answer us in due time (one way or another). Still, I will be lying if I told you we weren't anxious.
Tomorrow evening, we will be spending some time picnicking at a local park - my son, wife and myself. We do have the lovely dwarf lilac in the backyard that reminds us that life oftentimes will have dark, cold, withered days, but there will be times when life flowers and blooms and is fragrant. We just have to remember to take the bad with the good, and simply trust God to do the rest. I truly believe that - I'm not just saying that.
Still, it will be a somber day tomorrow, so your prayers would be coveted as we remember what could have been, as well as look towards the future.
This morning, as I participated in a Christians-in-the-Workplace prayer meeting with other colleagues who are believers, I asked for prayer for our own situation, how we are still yearning for another child, if that is God's Will. At this point, we're still trying and there is still a lot of time left. I am not interested in scientific and medical means to create a child, so at this point we are simply yielding to God's timing. It's tough, though...just waiting. Meanwhile, it seems that all around us, people are pregnant, left, right and center. But I have to not think like that - I just need to trust that God will answer us in due time (one way or another). Still, I will be lying if I told you we weren't anxious.
Tomorrow evening, we will be spending some time picnicking at a local park - my son, wife and myself. We do have the lovely dwarf lilac in the backyard that reminds us that life oftentimes will have dark, cold, withered days, but there will be times when life flowers and blooms and is fragrant. We just have to remember to take the bad with the good, and simply trust God to do the rest. I truly believe that - I'm not just saying that.
Still, it will be a somber day tomorrow, so your prayers would be coveted as we remember what could have been, as well as look towards the future.
Friday, May 4, 2007
The Sadness of Miscarriage and Losing a Baby
Last Sunday, I had the absolute privilege of being able to be one of the featured speakers during our church's morning service. I was quite nervous, as I normally am when I perform public speaking, and as I spoke on the topic "Overcoming Life's Challenges With God's Strength", I really felt God's presence there with me on the stage and helping alleviate some of my anxiety. I guess it went OK - people seem to be quite blessed and encouraged by the topic, though I give all the credit to God for putting the words in my mouth and helping me to stand in front of all those people. Exodus 4:10-11, which was one of the verses that I cited as proof positive that God can help us overcome our own fears and trepidations, was really seen in action that day in my own life.
While I won't re-hash the entire talk (it's on tape, if you ever want to hear it or if you want me to put it in MP3 format), I did feel led to talk about one topic which has been quite uncomfortable for me to talk about, not because I'm a guy, and guys don't generally talk about these things, but because what happened to us last October still stings. As you can guess from the title of this blog entry, my wife and I lost a baby through an unfortunate miscarriage last Fall. I guess the pain was amplified by the fact that we were trying for years to get pregnant again, and we had a large amount of people prayerfully supporting us. It was a delightful feeling for those few weeks, knowing that I will be a Dad again. But it turns out that it wasn't meant to be.
I did not want to use scientific and medical means to "create" a baby, so we just left it up to God's timing. I tell you, and I'll be happy to tell you again...I don't know why God allowed this to happen to us, particularly since He knows in our hearts how we yearned for more kids, and I believe that my wife and I are pretty good parents, but I am 100% completely confident that God does not work in a vaccuum, and that His timing is better than our timing, so I simply yield to His direction. As such, I have fully come to terms with the fact that what happened to us was not a coincidence or bad luck. I believe that like everything else, God has a purpose for allowing things to happen, even bad things. Even bad things to people who do not deserve them. For centuries, people have been trying to make sense of that question in light of tragedies: "Why Does God Allow Suffering?" That's never been a prominent question in my mind, actually, because if you believe that God is in control at all times, you just have to place your faith in the fact that He does not have tunnel vision - that there is an overall plan. Just like when Isaac gets into trouble or I know he is about to face a hardship, I let him have the experience. I can shield him from it, but he will never build character and perseverance, unless he goes through challenges. I know as a kid, when I went through challenges, I thought that was the end of the world, but that was me thinking of my own situation at that time. My parents knew that there was a larger picture in mind, and would sometimes allow me to get into trouble so that I take responsibility for my actions and learn from it. But sometimes, for no reason at all, they allowed me to go through challenges to simply become a stronger person for it. So, while I don't think there is a cut and dry answer for why God allows suffering, I do know that it may be for reasons which we may not be meant to understand either. Look at the suffering of Job - I still don't understand EXACTLY why it was allowed to happen to him. I know the end result and he was blessed many fold. At the same time, I don't think the existence of suffering should indicate that God is some proverbial sadist either. Remember, we all live in a sinful world, we are all sinful by nature (Romans 3:10, 3:23). Sometimes, the sin has a direct effect on suffering. Sometimes, the sin has a indirect (collateral) effect. Sometimes, it is a collateral domino effect (ie. as an very indirect consequence of someone's actions, past or present, something bad happened). Sometimes, we don't know the exact reason.
It has been tough to "get over" the miscarriage, and I doubt that I ever will, but we're doing OK. Several recent reminders, however, bring it all back to a degree. The first is the wonderful little dwarf lilac bush that we planted in memory of our little one. Since November, through the winter, this little lilac tree sat there by itself, in the cold, supported by wooden poles, being blown about by the wind and the elements. Just recently, with the warmer weather, it started to bloom and bud. Our baby was due next month (June 12), and I imagine that it will be a somber time in our household that day. But the dwarf lilac tree, while it will never replace the baby, is a great reminder of life and that there are always more beautiful times ahead, after winter.
The other recent event that reminded us of our experience last y ear was recently finding out that my sister's expecting again. I am tremendously happy for her and look forward to the new addition to the family. But in a sense, I am a bit sad for my wife and I, in that it seems like everyone we know is able to have a second child, so why can't we? There are so many babies in the world who are born to teenage mothers who don't want them, babies who are abandoned, and sadly, the greatest tragedy, babies who are aborted needlessly because a woman feels she has the right to terminate another life at will. Babies are also born to people who drink, smoke, do drugs, and abuse their bodies in other ways. I just don't get it sometimes.
All that being said, I can tell you that I never once questioned God's sovereignty on this. I struggle with understanding the purpose or reason why our prayers for another child are on hold right now or may never even come to fruition - as I mentioned in my talk to the church, I am not mad at God in the least - I have really been just leaning on His strength throughout this whole ordeal and know in my heart that He has shown His goodness to us in ways I cannot imagine. Even in the past, when there were times I wondered whether He knew what He was doing, along comes an incident where all the puzzle pieces fall into place and I feel so dumb and admit, "OK, God, I don't know what I was thinking doubting Your hand on our lives. He has provided for us in times where we did not know where the money will come from. He has blessed us with a wonderful little boy, He continues to guard me in an ever-increasing volatile role that is my job, and He astonishes us by putting just the right circumstances and people in the right places and situations which affirms His omnipotent nature. I know God exists - I have seen His working in our lives and comforting us when we are sad. He saved me 16 years ago from a life that would only lead to destruction. So, I have learned that it makes no sense questioning God's decisions.
What I have a hard time is trying to understand, from my very finite mind, the purposes behind such things. It was just a really weird time - we lost the baby last October and then the same day, to add insult to injury, I get a totally unnecessary parking ticket at the hospital (I thought that my parking pass had expired, so I parked (illegally) elsewhere, but I found out that it hadn't so I got that ticket for nothing). I remember after finding out what we had lost our baby, I went to the car, and was balling, only to find the parking ticket on my window, at which point I started laughing uncontrollably. That really put into perspective how sometimes we get upset and angry over trite little things like parking tickets - in the whole scheme of things, it's just a little smidgen, if that.
Almost nine months later, I have come to a much better appreciation of the frailty of life. You really never know what will happen and when. We can be gone in an instant, which is why I chuckle hysterically when I hear of women standing in line recently in the U.K., waiting all night for the Boots Drug Stores to open, so they can buy the latest anti-aging cream. As if they think they will be able to prolong their lives by putting on a cream. The experience has also strengthened my already strong position against abortion. I really, really do not understand why abortion is legal in today's day and age (in cases of incest or rape or where the mother's health is at risk, I can understand better, but still, there are options such as giving the child up for adoption if possible). How some women (and men) can make such a generally selfish decision towards killing an unborn child, who has no voice - that just floors me. After losing a child by circumstances which were not caused by us (my wife does not drink alcohol or caffeine during the short pregnancy, we were not engaged in high risk behaviour, we don't smoke, don't do drugs, etc.), I am absolutely appalled that people will willingly toss their babies aside like yesterday's stale donuts. It's just very sad.
I have also come to a greater appreciation of people who are unable to have kids (we're talking unable, not unwilling). I have thought for a while that perhaps God allowed this to happen to us so that we can minister to someone else who will experience the same loss in the future. I am 34 and not "old" by any stretch of the imagination and we still have a number of years to "get pregnant" but you know, I am also prepared for the fact that if we don't have another child, I am so happy that we were able to have our son. Oftentimes, I don't spend enough time counting the blessings that I do already have.
I have learned not to let my circumstances dictate my thinking - that way, my thoughts and views permeate through my situation, but are not governed by them. I remember us going to church 3 weeks later and just seeing babies everywhere. That was very hard for us to handle. But now I think, I cannot think this way, that "how come everyone has another baby but I don't?" We don't know what is going on in those families, or whether those babies will present health or other challenges on their own? I can't sit there and compare myself to anyone else. That's probably the worst thing anyone can do, particularly as a Christian who strives to simply trusting that God knows what He's doing, not as a Christian who strives to have God do our bidding.
I ended the talk that I gave last Sunday with Phillippians 4: 11-13. It is worth sharing with you.
"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
While I won't re-hash the entire talk (it's on tape, if you ever want to hear it or if you want me to put it in MP3 format), I did feel led to talk about one topic which has been quite uncomfortable for me to talk about, not because I'm a guy, and guys don't generally talk about these things, but because what happened to us last October still stings. As you can guess from the title of this blog entry, my wife and I lost a baby through an unfortunate miscarriage last Fall. I guess the pain was amplified by the fact that we were trying for years to get pregnant again, and we had a large amount of people prayerfully supporting us. It was a delightful feeling for those few weeks, knowing that I will be a Dad again. But it turns out that it wasn't meant to be.
I did not want to use scientific and medical means to "create" a baby, so we just left it up to God's timing. I tell you, and I'll be happy to tell you again...I don't know why God allowed this to happen to us, particularly since He knows in our hearts how we yearned for more kids, and I believe that my wife and I are pretty good parents, but I am 100% completely confident that God does not work in a vaccuum, and that His timing is better than our timing, so I simply yield to His direction. As such, I have fully come to terms with the fact that what happened to us was not a coincidence or bad luck. I believe that like everything else, God has a purpose for allowing things to happen, even bad things. Even bad things to people who do not deserve them. For centuries, people have been trying to make sense of that question in light of tragedies: "Why Does God Allow Suffering?" That's never been a prominent question in my mind, actually, because if you believe that God is in control at all times, you just have to place your faith in the fact that He does not have tunnel vision - that there is an overall plan. Just like when Isaac gets into trouble or I know he is about to face a hardship, I let him have the experience. I can shield him from it, but he will never build character and perseverance, unless he goes through challenges. I know as a kid, when I went through challenges, I thought that was the end of the world, but that was me thinking of my own situation at that time. My parents knew that there was a larger picture in mind, and would sometimes allow me to get into trouble so that I take responsibility for my actions and learn from it. But sometimes, for no reason at all, they allowed me to go through challenges to simply become a stronger person for it. So, while I don't think there is a cut and dry answer for why God allows suffering, I do know that it may be for reasons which we may not be meant to understand either. Look at the suffering of Job - I still don't understand EXACTLY why it was allowed to happen to him. I know the end result and he was blessed many fold. At the same time, I don't think the existence of suffering should indicate that God is some proverbial sadist either. Remember, we all live in a sinful world, we are all sinful by nature (Romans 3:10, 3:23). Sometimes, the sin has a direct effect on suffering. Sometimes, the sin has a indirect (collateral) effect. Sometimes, it is a collateral domino effect (ie. as an very indirect consequence of someone's actions, past or present, something bad happened). Sometimes, we don't know the exact reason.
It has been tough to "get over" the miscarriage, and I doubt that I ever will, but we're doing OK. Several recent reminders, however, bring it all back to a degree. The first is the wonderful little dwarf lilac bush that we planted in memory of our little one. Since November, through the winter, this little lilac tree sat there by itself, in the cold, supported by wooden poles, being blown about by the wind and the elements. Just recently, with the warmer weather, it started to bloom and bud. Our baby was due next month (June 12), and I imagine that it will be a somber time in our household that day. But the dwarf lilac tree, while it will never replace the baby, is a great reminder of life and that there are always more beautiful times ahead, after winter.
The other recent event that reminded us of our experience last y ear was recently finding out that my sister's expecting again. I am tremendously happy for her and look forward to the new addition to the family. But in a sense, I am a bit sad for my wife and I, in that it seems like everyone we know is able to have a second child, so why can't we? There are so many babies in the world who are born to teenage mothers who don't want them, babies who are abandoned, and sadly, the greatest tragedy, babies who are aborted needlessly because a woman feels she has the right to terminate another life at will. Babies are also born to people who drink, smoke, do drugs, and abuse their bodies in other ways. I just don't get it sometimes.
All that being said, I can tell you that I never once questioned God's sovereignty on this. I struggle with understanding the purpose or reason why our prayers for another child are on hold right now or may never even come to fruition - as I mentioned in my talk to the church, I am not mad at God in the least - I have really been just leaning on His strength throughout this whole ordeal and know in my heart that He has shown His goodness to us in ways I cannot imagine. Even in the past, when there were times I wondered whether He knew what He was doing, along comes an incident where all the puzzle pieces fall into place and I feel so dumb and admit, "OK, God, I don't know what I was thinking doubting Your hand on our lives. He has provided for us in times where we did not know where the money will come from. He has blessed us with a wonderful little boy, He continues to guard me in an ever-increasing volatile role that is my job, and He astonishes us by putting just the right circumstances and people in the right places and situations which affirms His omnipotent nature. I know God exists - I have seen His working in our lives and comforting us when we are sad. He saved me 16 years ago from a life that would only lead to destruction. So, I have learned that it makes no sense questioning God's decisions.
What I have a hard time is trying to understand, from my very finite mind, the purposes behind such things. It was just a really weird time - we lost the baby last October and then the same day, to add insult to injury, I get a totally unnecessary parking ticket at the hospital (I thought that my parking pass had expired, so I parked (illegally) elsewhere, but I found out that it hadn't so I got that ticket for nothing). I remember after finding out what we had lost our baby, I went to the car, and was balling, only to find the parking ticket on my window, at which point I started laughing uncontrollably. That really put into perspective how sometimes we get upset and angry over trite little things like parking tickets - in the whole scheme of things, it's just a little smidgen, if that.
Almost nine months later, I have come to a much better appreciation of the frailty of life. You really never know what will happen and when. We can be gone in an instant, which is why I chuckle hysterically when I hear of women standing in line recently in the U.K., waiting all night for the Boots Drug Stores to open, so they can buy the latest anti-aging cream. As if they think they will be able to prolong their lives by putting on a cream. The experience has also strengthened my already strong position against abortion. I really, really do not understand why abortion is legal in today's day and age (in cases of incest or rape or where the mother's health is at risk, I can understand better, but still, there are options such as giving the child up for adoption if possible). How some women (and men) can make such a generally selfish decision towards killing an unborn child, who has no voice - that just floors me. After losing a child by circumstances which were not caused by us (my wife does not drink alcohol or caffeine during the short pregnancy, we were not engaged in high risk behaviour, we don't smoke, don't do drugs, etc.), I am absolutely appalled that people will willingly toss their babies aside like yesterday's stale donuts. It's just very sad.
I have also come to a greater appreciation of people who are unable to have kids (we're talking unable, not unwilling). I have thought for a while that perhaps God allowed this to happen to us so that we can minister to someone else who will experience the same loss in the future. I am 34 and not "old" by any stretch of the imagination and we still have a number of years to "get pregnant" but you know, I am also prepared for the fact that if we don't have another child, I am so happy that we were able to have our son. Oftentimes, I don't spend enough time counting the blessings that I do already have.
I have learned not to let my circumstances dictate my thinking - that way, my thoughts and views permeate through my situation, but are not governed by them. I remember us going to church 3 weeks later and just seeing babies everywhere. That was very hard for us to handle. But now I think, I cannot think this way, that "how come everyone has another baby but I don't?" We don't know what is going on in those families, or whether those babies will present health or other challenges on their own? I can't sit there and compare myself to anyone else. That's probably the worst thing anyone can do, particularly as a Christian who strives to simply trusting that God knows what He's doing, not as a Christian who strives to have God do our bidding.
I ended the talk that I gave last Sunday with Phillippians 4: 11-13. It is worth sharing with you.
"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
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