Men and Respect

It is late into the night, I have to work tomorrow, I'm bummed out that the Washington Capitals were blown out by the Penguins tonight in game seven(another topic for another time), my wife and son are snoring away in the other room, my daughter is wailing once in a while, and I'm sitting here looking at a couple of Beanie Baby ducks that I own. No, I don't do this kind of stuff...ever, but today, my daughter had a fever, so I walked her around and brought her into my messy home office. Perched upon one of my many home computers/servers here are a couple of Beanie Baby ducks, a very fluffy big yellow duck named Quackers and a smaller, more felt-like yellow duck named...Quackers as well. I bought both these Beanie Baby ducks off eBay years ago as a sort-of momento to myself to remind myself that the father duck has a constant role to keep the baby duck safe - my son was also one or two at the time and I also thought that he may wish to look at the ducks and if he is a good boy, handle the ducks, from time to time (they are brand new, still with the plastic nametags affixed). Since then, the larger duck is less fluffy since my daughter seems to always want to hold him when she comes into my home office and as a result, she drools all over him.

I look at these ducks and realize that my son really does look up to me. When I say that I am cheering for the Capitals, he reluctantly says he wants to cheer for the Capitals as well, even though I know he's a diehard Penguins fan, and loves Crosby. I have told him he does not need to like what I like, but I find that he often tries to emulate me at home. If I am sitting around reading in my underwear with no shirt on and one sock off, he will attempt to take off his shirt, strip down to his Bob the Builder briefs and proceed to discard a sock to the floor. With the exception of shrimp and mushrooms, he tends to take after my eating habits (picky) rather than my wife's (adventurous). My wife tells me that he simply respects me as his Dad because I am not only kind to him, but am firm with him as well and consistent in my words and actions. I don't know about that, but it's a nice compliment to hear.

My wife and I have been doing a study on a book called "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. We highly recommend this book and its follow-up "Cracking the Communication Code" to any married couple - it will help your relationship for sure. The key component of the Love and Respect book is essentially that the main need for a woman is love and for the man it's respect. Now think about your situation and tell me if it's true for you?

Last year, I was at my cousin's wedding. After a few drinks my cousin's future father-in-law and I had a spirited discussion about hunting and also about speaking Chinese (he is a hardcore Caucasian guy who happens to know a bit of Chinese - probably speaks it better than my brother, who sounds like a foreigner). Anyway, the topic then drifted into politics of some sort and I remember I ended up standing firm on a point that I made (not in an argumentative sense, but just being sure of what I believe). I remember my Dad sitting there listening in and he said something that I have never heard him say before and that I will never forget. "One thing you need to know about Jeremy - while you may not agree with him, you have to respect the fact that he follows his convictions and is not swayed by popular opinion." That meant a lot to hear this from my Dad, who has generally been more stoic in his demeanour.

Late last year, our car was in the shop and it so happened to need critical repairs on a night that we had a family dinner with my parents. My Dad, in his endless generosity of his time, offered to come out in a rain/sleet storm and drive us to his place (in the storm, it was a bout 1hr. 15 minutes each way). In the car, between the internal window defroster not working properly on his crappy Pontiac Montana mini-van, and way too much hot air being blown in the front, but my wife and kids were freezing in the back, my wife and my Dad were talking politics. Now, at the time, it was days before the U.S. elections, and it so happened I happened to wear my "McCain/Palin" shirt. My Dad, being the liberal that he is, scoffed at my choice of outerwear, as did my wife, who is not really a political junkie like myself, and who thinks I am nuts to still own a "Bush/Cheney '04" golf polo shirt that I wear from time to time. My wife was saying to my Dad that no one will ever change my mind since I can be quite stubborn (very true) and that my political leanings have been fairly right-wing for years (can't argue that). My Dad, again to my surprise, said to my wife (and I'm reciting this verbatim, so while the language is strong and offensive, I want to cite it to re-iterate a point), "Yes, he's been like this all his life, but what would you rather have? A guy like him who won't bullshit you, or someone who beats around the bush and talks either out of both sides of his mouth or say something to you nicely and then slam you in private? At least he says what's on his mind and is honest about it." Despite the language, I took that as a compliment.

Who here reading this doesn't feel good when their own father commends them? I work very hard to affirm my son in the positive things that he says and does. I can tell that he very much appreciates it. I think that affirming to my son that I respect the consistency that he shows in his life in his conduct (most days) is the best thing he can hear - he has told me that himself. He doesn't care (well, not so much) about the old "Leave it To Beaver" type of "I Love You" moments; he likes the affirming words that show a respect for him as a young lad. I know for myself, I am deeply moved and encouraged when I am told in my job reviews at work that I am "highly respected". I've told my boss that means more to me than any kudos about the actual work that I do.

Anyway, not sure what my point is here, but if you have't read the "Love and Respect" book, I'd encourage you to check it out. It really hits on these points better than I can articulate, and it also deals with the female side of the equation; that is, women crave love the most. But I can tell you that from my experience and viewpoint, Eggerichs is dead-on regarding the men and respect part.